They are a great example to me. While I was helping them get up this morning, I asked Ricky if he wanted to go with them, he said "no, not today", then asked me if I would come lay down next to him for a while. I told him I had to get the boys up and get stuff done, so sorry. He is a sweet kid and has always liked to have company to be next to him.
Ricky is in his last week of intense chemotherapy. Starting in 2015 he should only have oral chemo (pills) daily, and LPs (Lumbar Punctures) that put a little chemo in his spine every 6 weeks or so for around 15 months. He we are really excited for him. But this round has been a bit of a kicker for him. His hair started to fall out again, he actually missed counts which has rarely happened with him, and he has mouth sores that make it hard for him to talk, eat, and this morning he told me it hurt to breathe. We have tried to see even the bummer things as blessings. And I've talked to him about this last little bit of 'yuck' and asked him if it could be a blessing or a reminder to be doing the right things, he asked "what have I been doing wrong?" I said probably nothing, but asked if he was feeling great still, and still had all of his wonderful curly hair if he would want to be getting his homework done to stay eligible to play ball when he is healthy... He said. "no, probably not." So see! Blessings everywhere! :) He gets it.
Back to this morning... I saw the kids out the door, and was getting ready to sit down and do some reading while it is still quiet around here, when I heard some noises. So I sat still and listened more carefully. I heard what I can only describe as a quiet groan or little whimper. It wasn't the Littles, so I listened to hear where it was coming from... my big boy. I went in and sat next to him, he seemed asleep, but I asked if he was ok. He said his body just hurts. That he can't breathe well and it's hard to sleep. I put another blanket on him, and lay down next him to rub his back for a minute. He had asked for me to be there earlier, and I had been too busy. As I laid there next to him I wondered how often I had not heard his groans, or how often he was really miserable and had kept it to himself. How often have I been too busy to comfort my kids? I can only hope I haven't missed too much.
I haven't been writing a blog much lately, because I've actually been keeping it all written down in a notebook instead. I have had some wonderful learning moments in the past few months, and have talked to a lot of people about them, but I just haven't shared them here. Keeping a journal almost daily has been so amazing. It has given me a chance to slow down and think, and give my Heavenly Father the chance to touch my heart. I feel like I have been better at my "jobs" when I have taken the time to pray and ask for guidance and read in the scriptures and write down what I learn and feel. I have been able to go back and feel those same things again as I read through what I've written. It has been life changing for me, and therefore also for my family.
One particular entry I'd like to share. This past sunday morning...
--- Sunday 12-14-2014---
So Ricky's hair got really cute and curly. Then he started to lose it again. So just when he was starting to love his hair and feel normal again, it is gone again. I don't think he is that distraught about it. And I've encouraged him to use it as a reminder that he is still needing to get things done - the hard work isn't over yet. Kind of a reminder of where his priorities should be. He is a little bummed, but okay with it. He is an amazing kid. He is easily counseled and isn't stubborn when it comes to doing what is right.He is so accepting of our Heavenly Father's will for him. I am amazed and inspired by that boy, and I want to be more like him. The 1st time he lost his hair all of the boys shaved their heads as well to support him. He didn't want them to, and for sure didn't want me to, but once they had, he liked it and appreciated the support he got. So now that he is at the end - and doing great and healthy there isn't as much support... because he is strong. But now it is in my mind to show him even more support. To show him how much I believe in him. How much faith I have in him to succeed. And that I know it is a long road ahead still.
I've been thinking about what that bald head of his means to me. It means he is special, it means Heavenly Father expects greatness from him. It is a physical reminder that his body is fighting to heal and get better and grow into what our Heavenly Father has planned.
2014 has been a real kicker- We have had a lot of things to overcome, and yet been able to see it all as a blessing. Now here at the end of the year when I am looking at it, I realize we still need a lot of healing. Bodies need to be healed and made stronger, hearts need to be mended and comforted, minds need to be put at ease and refocused, priorities need to be realigned and we need a push in the right direction.
So I'm wondering now why I shouldn't just join Ricky. It is a scary step because it is somewhat permanent - as in I can't change my mind the next day. Or just say, naa! - I think I want my hair back - never mind.
It is a way for me to commit to traveling this journey with Ricky - with my family. A way to commit to getting priorities straight here in my life and in our family. Ricky's hair will be back in a matter of months, but his body will still be fighting to become better, stronger, and faster. And hopefully his spirit will continue to grow along with it.
My hair is more than half way down my back. It will take years to get back to that point. So it will serve as a reminder for a long long time. A reminder of what my boy has been through and conquered. A reminder of what my [younger kids are] trying to conquer. A reminder of what my family has experienced this year, and that each of them has sacrificed, and that each of them needs support even when things are looking better. And while Ricky is finishing this part of his battle, for me it would serve as a remainder for me to overcome the challenges struggles and weaknesses that I have. To come off conquerer in my battle. A reminder that I need to be mindful of the fight and not lose motivation and momentum as easily. I am often scared to commit to things - the same goes with this. I am nervous right now thinking about everything that would go along with this decision, and the reactions of people - But it is not about anybody else, it is about my boy, it is about my family, and it is about me. This life is the same. It is about my family - it is about me and each member of my family.
As stupid as it sounds - it is a way to show my family how much they mean to me. And a way to remind myself daily to change my habits and lead out.
- Serve my family 1st (cook, read, play, pray, clean, love)
- Take care of my body (run, run, run, eat well)
- Avoid distractions (media, shopping, eating, new projects)
- Continue to read scriptures & uplifting things
- Continue to write
- Pray more often, more sincerely, more thoughtfully
- Live more thoughtfully, more meaningfully, more purposefully
Monday 12-15-2014
Ricky didn't want to help me shave my head yesterday, but he did. He didn't understand why though. So I had him read what I had written in my journal. He went in the other room to read while I cleaned up the hair mess. Then he came out after reading it with tears in his eyes and said thank you and that he loved me and gave me a big hug. It meant the world to me.
When people ask me about my decision it is still too emotional for me to explain. But when I just say, "Yeah, I did it for Ricky" it doesn't do it justice. I am an open person [if you can't tell!] - but somewhat private about tender feelings that I have. I feel like I'm really wearing my heart on my sleeve with this one though. So its been kind of hard that way. But has a lot of meaning to me. Hopefully Ricky as well.
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Back to today, so yes, I have a buzz, and it is cold -- But I also have more blessings than I can possibly handle. I am so thankful to be on this adventure with these people. So thankful for the times I hear my kids need something and am aware enough to spend time being next to them. Since that sunday I've had some treasured moments already. One of which was getting to climb up in the crazy bunk bed with Hyrum and read him one of my all-time favorite books, "Andrew Henry's Meadow" and have him give me a bracelet made out of colorful wire pipe cleaners.
With tears of joy, admiration and sadness in my eyes, I say...good job mama!! Beautifully written, beautiful love and beautiful you! I continue to send you prayers and love😘
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