Running Home

Small disclaimer for those who might read this who don't really know my family.  We do pushups.  Lots of them.  My 5 year old is kind of a 'freak of nature'.  He can easily do over 200 push-ups, I've seen it.  Just to put a little perspective into the story.  

       I got to go home and spend a little time with my other kids this weekend.  It was nice to be down there with them.  It gives me a new perspective on how important hugs are.  It has also put a spotlight on how my priorities and my choices don't always line up.  There are some things I need to work on, for sure.  When I'm sitting in the hospital with Ricky, it is mostly uneventful, and boring and I don't have much to write about.  But when I go back home it seems like there are a ton of awesome adventures to take advantage of, like an 11:30pm walk with my 2 yr old where we can discover the moon and stars and point out every truck we see with total excitement... "KUCK!!!!!"  "Yep, say 'tr, tr , truck.'"  "KUCK!!!!!"  It is truly pretty fun.  I get to give lots of hugs, and hold babies, and get close to nothing done.   (Luckily, a sneaky little fairy cleaned and folded my laundry)
    Along with the adventures come challenges and lessons though.  Times where I question my parenting tactics, and the people observing probably do as well.  I went to Walmart with 5 kids the other day.  I stopped by the bank really quickly before shopping, and while cashing a check Hyrum came up and asked for a quarter.  I was in a good mood, so I said, "I'd happily give you a quarter, if you earn it with 25 push-ups"  with a big smile.  (Feeling gracious because it would usually be 50 push-ups)  Hy thought it was worth it, and popped out 25 good push-ups.  The guy at the bank was impressed and commented on how great it was, and Hy was pretty proud of himself.  I gave him his quarter and he stuck it under his hat for safe keeping until later.  While going through the check out line Hy and the other four kids waited by playing in the little game room.  A minute later Hy came to me as sad as could be.  I thought he had dropped and lost his quarter.  I was almost right.  He had tried to win the CLAW game, and failed.  Just like 97% of all happy unassuming kids that attempt it.

He was bawling.  I gave him a hug and explained that those games are a crock and told him I was sorry he had lost his money by making that choice.  He settled down a little bit, and then said, "now I want 2 quarters!"  To which I said --like any kind parent of a crying child at the checkout of Walmart --  "I'd be more than happy to give you 2 quarters for 50 push-ups"  and reminded him of how proud he had been earlier when he had earned the 1st quarter.  He seemed ok with it, and started doing push-ups, but by the time he got to "4...5" the disappointment of feeling cheated by the CLAW was too much, and he started to cry again.
So I had him go sit on the bench to the side until he could get control of himself...control never came.  Check out was taking awhile, the cashier seemed to agree with my parenting so far.  I sent Hy with the bigger kids out to the car to wait.  By the time I got there he was going full force.  There was a weeping and a gnashing of teeth going on. :)  After loading up the car, I gave Hy his next choice.  'Stop crying and screaming', or 'Get out of my car and walk home'.  He didn't stop crying, so he was removed from the vehicle.  I was aware that it wasn't safe for a 5 year old to walk home 2 miles by himself.  I was also aware that the cart collector guy was watching the whole thing go down, with a grin on his face.  Don't know whether he agreed, or not, it was a confusing grin.  So I asked Danja to hop out and walk with him a little bit while I took the 'littles' home, then I would come back.  I was pretty sure it was going to be a long lesson in parenting, so I dropped off the groceries and kids and headed back.  They had made it much further than I had expected when I got back.  I told Danja she could go, so she and her cousin took off and headed home at a much faster pace than Hy wanted to go.  He thought I was there to pick him up.  I wasn't. I drove on the shoulder of the road next to him.  Hyrum didn't appreciate my efforts and was not afraid to share his opinion of the situation with me.  I talked to him and encouraged him from the car, but would not let him get in, and when he stopped running or walking I kept driving really slowly, and he didn't appreciate that much either.  He yelled at me that I was the "meanest mom", and even got an "I hate you" in there.  I just told him I loved him and kept creeping along in the car.  A woman with a stroller came along and I knew the situation looked sketchy, so I warned her that the 5 year old she was about to pass was mine, and that she didn't need to worry.  When she got to him he fell to the ground and wailed some more.  She called him over and comforted him (I was watching in the mirrors), then he came running up to the car where I was waiting.  "She said she would wait and watch until I got in the car"  I thought, 'that might be a long wait!'  I sent him back to the sidewalk to keep going.  When we turned the corner to cut through a parking lot and he was still crying and rebelling, I stopped and waited for him.  Other passers by were concerned, and I reassured them He was with me, and ok.  I know I'd be concerned about a kid on the side of the road crying, and some weird lady sitting in a car watching him.
  I called him up to the window to have a little chat.  We were almost half way home now.  I asked him to talk though his choices with me, and so we started at the first 25 push-ups.  I asked him how it felt to earn the quarter.  He said, really good.  I asked him how it felt to lose it.  He said, really bad.  We went through all the rest of the choices:  not to earn the quarters again, to cry in the store, to cry in the car, and then to have to walk home.  We decided he wasn't making very good choices.  It kind of went like this;
Hy - But I just want my quarter back
Me - I bet you do! There are a lot of things we wish we could just go back and undo.  That game didn't work how you wanted it to, did it?
Hy - No.
Me - You were feeling really good, and then that happened, and then you felt really bad. But the other choices you made from then on just made you feel bad too, right?
Hy - yea.
Me - yea, we get to make our choices, but we don't always get to choose the results.  But you can choose how you react, and whether you will have a good feeling or not.  Right?
Hy - Yea
Me - So now you have another choice.  You are half way home.  You will walk or run the rest of the way.  But you can do it with a smile on your face and when you get home you can be proud of the fact that you are such an amazing 5 year old and you can walk home that whole way.  Or, you can continue to scream and cry, and have a bad feeling inside, and when you get home you will have to take a nap and won't get to go do anything else today. What do you choose?
Hy - But Mom I just want to say one thing... You say that you love me to death, but then you make me do this.
Me - Yep!  Because you can do this.  And if I just give you everything you want, then you won't be the kind of man you need to be when you grow up.  So, how awesome that you get to learn this now! At 5, instead of 20 or 30!
  I gave him 30 seconds to make a choice about what kind of feeling he wanted to have when he was done.  Then I started to drive slowly again.  He ran next to me, but still wasn't completely sold on the idea.  I kept telling him how amazing he is and that I was proud of him for being able to do hard things.  Within a couple hundred feet he had a smile on his face again.  That confident, chin out, Hyrum smile that I love so much.

 It was still a ways to go, so he got tired and walked at times, but he mostly ran.  Once he got to the top of the hill he cut through the trees to the back of our house, while I drove around.  I parked the car and walked in.  He opened the door when I got there and with a huge smile said, "I BEAT YOU!"
   I gave him a big hug, asked him how he felt ("tired and good"), and told him how proud I was of him.
       People question Heavenly Father's "parenting tactics" all the time.  They wonder why he would let hard things happen if he loves us.  He lets us go through hard things because he knows we can make it.  He knows we are strong enough to make it all the way home, even uphill.
    Obviously, not all of my parenting moments end up this way.  Many times I'm too tired to follow through, or I don't have the time.  As I mentioned earlier I have things to work on, and my priorities and choices are not always aligned.  But I do know times like these are worth making sure that the lesson is learned.
  I look at where I am now, sitting in the PICU at primary children's hospital.  My big kid is going through some really hard times.  He is finally sleeping in the bed next to me.  This isn't what he wants.  But throwing a fit isn't going to change it.  And now that he has chosen to have a good attitude about this journey, he is trying to do that.  He is going on this trip whether he wants to or not. And having a good attitude doesn't make the journey easier, or shorter.  It just means at the end of it you feel good and you're proud of yourself.
   Heavenly Father gives us choices.  We are free to choose most things in our lives.  But sometimes things just happen.  Sometimes cancer happens.  Sometimes way worse things happen.  And we can feel like the freedom of choice was taken away from us.  But it wasn't.  We always have the chance to choose how we will react to a situation.  What we will learn, and what we will take from it.
  I know I'm not always going to be positive about the things going on around me.   Like this.  My son  is literally delirious with a fever right now.  He just woke up and wanted to get out of here.  After answering his questions that didn't make any sense, and calming him down from being so mad at the "watch" on the wall, and the doctors came to try to help, now he is sleeping again.  And I am still sitting here trying to figure out my emotions at 2 in the morning.  I've decided that this is the hard part of the run home, where I want to just sit down and rebel.  I can be mad that I have to "run home", or I can be grateful for a body that is strong enough to carry me there.   I can listen to the spirit when it is there to guide me and keep me safe - kind of like driving next to Hyrum to make sure he wouldn't feel abandoned  I can listen to the spirit when it shares encouragement and love from my Heavenly Father.  Or, I can lag behind and be frustrated with my situation, and get further and further from the spirit that is there to help me.
 Keep running, or lag behind....Those are the choices we have. Daily.