Saturday, December 2, 2017

THE WORLD’S GREATEST

In a few days I’ll be 41.  I have the greatest life, and I’m sure it sounds crazy but I am
quite possibly the most blessed person to have ever lived.  I have a husband that adores me in the midst of all my crazy. I have 8 amazing kids that have patience while I learn and experiment with parenting on the fly. I was raised by amazing parents that thought I was the most talented athlete, poet, singer/songwriter, artist, musician, and DIY genius there was. And at the same time they had a way of being honest enough that reality never strayed so far off that I could completely and utterly embarrass myself while trying to flaunt my amazing talents.  Although, reality was often embarrassing, and there is plenty of flaunting that goes on, somehow the part where I was always THE WORLD’S GREATEST at something kept me from being crushed with humiliation. Hahaha. And if you read enough, you will soon realize that I am THE WORLD’S GREATEST at finding a use for.... ‘dot,dot,dots’ and the comma! As I told my Sister-in-law earlier today, “I am queen of the Run On Sentence!“
     I feel kind of selfish writing about me, but I don’t know anyone else’s thoughts at the moment.  That, and since I’m the only passenger on this red-eye that is still awake, I’m kind of stuck thinking about my world and my thoughts and feelings.  Yes, I’m on a flight across the country right now. My sweet husband fell asleep trying to watch Despicable Me 3.  My 7 youngest kids are at tournaments and staying with family until Rick gets back from this trip.  And the neighbor has our dog.  We likely won’t be headed back together, but we don’t have plans, or much information at all for that matter.  All we know now is that our oldest boy, who has been serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Massachusetts Boston area for 7 1/2 months, has relapsed. I can hardly read what I’m typing right now.  His leukemia has returned. It’s hard to believe. I can feel the weight of it all slowly creeping back up my spine to my shoulders.  I don’t actually think clear thoughts about it all very much, it’s more of a blur, a collage of thoughts that just interrupt each other.  When I can control the thoughts it quickly makes me want to sob.  A sob kept under control turns into a shudder that just makes me want to scream. A swallowed scream makes me want to throw up. So... that’s why I haven’t been thinking clearly...on purpose. That’s why I can’t answer the calls yet, or talk on the phone... talking requires me to try to communicate a clear thought.  And somehow publicly sobbing, shuddering, screaming or throwing up isn’t an option. My brains equates that to utter humiliation and won’t let me do it.  The weight gets heavier as things get more real, but it’s a weird weight that is kind of hard to notice just how heavy it is, until it’s gone, until it’s lifted, until you get the words “no evidence of disease” from the doctors.  This time is different though. This time I know the weight, so I can literally feel it on the lower part of my spine.   Maybe that’s why emotions come too easily right now.  The weight isn’t square and balanced on my shoulders quite yet.  But it will get there, back to where I feel a little more control again... at least emotionally. 

   The getting ready to descend chime just rang. I just checked. And we should be on the ground again within the hour.  We pick up the rental car, and drive 30 minutes to the hospital of central Connecticut, or something like that. It’s in New Britain. I’m excited to see my boy. I’ve really missed him. I haven’t slept yet though, and last I looked I had huge bags under my eyes. That makes me a little sad because I wanted to look really nice when I saw him again. This boy is aging me.  The woman across from  me on our first flight was holding her 1 month old baby, her first born.  She’s so filled with excitement and pride. It was fun to see. I vividly remember those flights.  I remember coming home with him from Germany when he was 6wks old. My dad was at the gate to meet us when we arrived. (Back when that was still allowed)  The pride beamed out of me, and was contagious. It beamed out of my dad when he saw us too. And beamed even more when Ricky promptly smiled at meeting his Grampa.  I have carried that excitement and pride for over 19 years now.  And I am still the most blessed person. To have ever walked the earth. I get to see my boy in a few hours. And I get to hug him again. I get to sit with him all day. And this time around, he gets to teach me about the most important things there are.  He gets to teach me what reading the scriptures each day has taught him and how it can bless me too. I didn’t go on a mission. This will be as close to real missionary life that I have ever been.  I am so blessed. I’m excited. I can barely see through the tears, my nose is stuffed and drippy and I kind of want to throw up.  Time to go back to the collage of interrupting thoughts again.   Just caught a glimpse of myself.... good news!!!! The puffy eyes hide the bags!!!! Hahaha!  There must be tissue in one of my coat pockets, cuz I think my mom wore this coat once. Hahaha....yup!! There it is!!! Mom to the rescue from reality yet again!  

9 comments:

  1. We will add our prayers to the list that angels here on earth and up above have already started and petition along with them Our Heavenly Father's choicest blessings upon you and your ohana and especially your dear missionary son. Thank you for sharing this very personal experience with all of us. Quite frankly I really don't know what to say except that I'm listening and I hope that knowing there are friends and family members who can hear you silently screaming will somehow bring you comfort. And I pray that when Elder Ricky shares his testimony of Jesus Christ with you that his knowledge of the Savior will somehow bring you peace. I love you guys. God bless.

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  2. Wow Maren! I am sorry Ricky has to go through this again. You have always been Superwoman in my eyes and your kids got that incredible inner strength too. Ricky and all of you are fighters and can make it through. I can only imagine the emotions everyone is going through. You are all in our prayers!!! Thanks for your example. I know from our own trials, that you won't be alone and that weight you physically feel, will be balanced by you and our savior. We wish you all the very best.

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  3. Liebe Maren, wir haben uns leider noch nie gesprochen oder gesehen ... ich hoffe, daß wir das irgendwann noch mal schaffen und ich dann deine ganze Familie kennenlernen kann. Ich bin betroffen. Wünsche Euch die Kraft und das Glück das es braucht. Die Basketballer in Deutschland sind gedanklich bei euch. Grüße aus Freiberg am Neckar ... Bernd

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  4. I have always looked up to you, Maren. I've been thinking about you and you're sweet family non stop. Many prayers ❤️❤️❤️
    --Kodi (Steele) Peters

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  5. Oh Sister Stafford...I have been worried about that as I have written our Ricky every week and always ask how his health is taking this stress and activity of his?! He said he’s had a few weeks of being really down and I worried about just this! Now I know where Ricky gets his amazing writing ability that lets you see and feel right into his heart...I get that from you as well! Please hug him for me and tell him how proud I am of him and how much I love him...although I’m pretty sure he knows! Evidently he and I were pretty good friends in the Pre-Existence along with my husband David! But I need to know where he is with this and what are the plans for him and if he will be there much longer and when I can see him? I really need to know what more is going on with this amazing missionary...if you have a spare minute to let me know my heart really needs this at this time! My heart is still so broken from losing David 2 months ago that I have to know more about our Ricky! I’ll fly out there if I have to...but Thank you for being the Best Mom in the World To this choice Son Of God...he’s so proud of you as his Mom! My love and my heart are with you! Love, Georgia Hardy

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  6. Maren, we had a favorite elder who had a bout with cancer before his mission and it returned while he was serving here. He went home determined to return to our very ward as a missionary. I knew that wouldn't happen. He goes home to Texas, has a surgery where they split him open sternum to navel, removed the tumor, then he does chemo and guess what? That kid made it back here 6 months later!!! Same mission, same ward it was stunning!!!! When I saw him return it was so hard not to embrace him. He said, "I told you!" It was hard to be home. but it was part of his mission. Who knows what his future will be, but he sure did bless a lot of us. He should be completing his mission now and going home again. I hope he gets to stay here on Earth with us, but only the Lord knows what is next. I sure hope your Ricky has had a great adventure as a missionary to this point. I know this next transfer home will be hard for him, but when you got the Noisy Village for your family....you've got the best kind of companions anybody could pray for. Carry on.

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  7. I am so so sorry Maren, I have followed you and Rick over the years on Facebook, Peace be with you and Rick and Ricky, prayers will be sent your way as well as Elder Stafford's and Rick and your family.

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  8. Oh Maren, my heart breaks as I read about this. Please know that we praying and fasting for you and your family (as are tons of others around the world) and that you are loved so dearly. Your courage and strength give others the courage to keep fighting their way forward. You DO have an incredible family! And you are not alone. Whatever master plan is involved in this, I know that God loves you and your family and will help you find peace in enduring it. Lots of love, cuz!!

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  9. I am so sorry to hear that the leukemia has returned. Prayers to you and your family. Hugs!
    Stacey Rhineer

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