Noggin Diaries

     Today it is 5:58 in the morning and I am already aware of the amazing blessings in my life.  The Twins and Danja got up early and left to go with the church youth to the temple.  It is awesome to see them dressed up so nice and ready to go so early in the morning.

 

They are a great example to me.   While I was helping them get up this morning, I asked Ricky if he wanted to go with them, he said  "no, not today", then asked me if I would come lay down next to him for a while.  I told him I had to get the boys up and get stuff done, so sorry.  He is a sweet kid and has always liked to have company to be next to him.
      Ricky is in his last week of intense chemotherapy.  Starting in 2015 he should only have oral chemo (pills) daily, and LPs (Lumbar Punctures) that put a little chemo in his spine every 6 weeks or so for around 15 months.  He we are really excited for him.  But this round has been a bit of a kicker for him.  His hair started to fall out again, he actually missed counts which has rarely happened with him, and he has mouth sores that make it hard for him to talk, eat, and this morning he told me it hurt to breathe.  We have tried to see even the bummer things as blessings.  And I've talked to him about this last little bit of 'yuck' and asked him if it could be a blessing or a reminder to be doing the right things, he asked "what have I been doing wrong?" I said probably nothing, but asked if he was feeling great still, and still had all of his wonderful curly hair if he would want to be getting his homework done to stay eligible to play ball when he is healthy... He said. "no, probably not."  So see! Blessings everywhere! :)  He gets it.
    Back to this morning... I saw the kids out the door, and was getting ready to sit down and do some reading while it is still quiet around here, when I heard some noises. So I sat still and listened more carefully.  I heard what I can only describe as a quiet groan or little whimper.  It wasn't the Littles, so I listened to hear where it was coming from... my big boy.  I went in and sat next to him, he seemed asleep, but I asked if he was ok.  He said his body just hurts. That he can't breathe well and it's hard to sleep.  I put another blanket on him, and lay down next him to rub his back for a minute.  He had asked for me to be there earlier, and I had been too busy.  As I laid there next to him I wondered how often I had not heard his groans, or how often he was really miserable and had kept it to himself.  How often have I been too busy to comfort my kids?  I can only hope I haven't missed too much.
   I haven't been writing a blog much lately, because I've actually been keeping it all written down in a notebook instead. I have had some wonderful learning moments in the past few months, and have talked to a lot of people about them, but I just haven't shared them here.  Keeping a journal almost daily has been so amazing.  It has given me a chance to slow down and think, and give my Heavenly Father the chance to touch my heart.  I feel like I have been better at my "jobs" when I have taken the time to pray and ask for guidance and read in the scriptures and write down what I learn and feel.  I have been able to go back and feel those same things again as I read through what I've written.  It has been life changing for me, and therefore also for my family.
   One particular entry I'd like to share. This past sunday morning...
---  Sunday  12-14-2014---
      So Ricky's hair got really cute and curly. Then he started to lose it again.  So just when he was starting to love his hair and feel normal again, it is gone again.  I don't think he is that distraught about it.  And I've encouraged him to use it as a reminder that he is still needing to get things done - the hard work isn't over yet. Kind of a reminder of where his priorities should be. He is a little bummed, but okay with it.  He is an amazing kid. He is easily counseled and isn't stubborn when it comes to doing what is right.He is so accepting of our Heavenly Father's will for him.  I am amazed and inspired by that boy, and I want to be more like him.  The 1st time he lost his hair all of the boys shaved their heads as well to support him.  He didn't want them to, and for sure didn't want me to, but once they had, he liked it and appreciated the support he got.  So now that he is at the end - and doing great and healthy there isn't as much support... because he is strong.  But now it is in my mind to show him even more support.  To show him how much I believe in him.  How much faith I have in him to succeed.  And that I know it is a long road ahead still.
   I've been thinking about what that bald head of his means to me.  It means he is special, it means Heavenly Father expects greatness from him.  It is a physical reminder that his body is fighting to heal and get better and grow into what our Heavenly Father has planned.
   2014 has been a real kicker-  We have had a lot of things to overcome, and yet been able to see it all as a blessing.  Now here at the end of the year when I am looking at it, I realize we still need a lot of healing.  Bodies need to be healed and made stronger, hearts need to be mended and comforted, minds need to be put at ease and refocused, priorities need to be realigned and we need a push in the right direction.
   So I'm wondering now why I shouldn't just join Ricky. It is a scary step because it is somewhat permanent - as in I can't change my mind the next day.  Or just say, naa! - I think I want my hair back - never mind.
    It is a way for me to commit to traveling this journey with Ricky - with my family.  A way to commit to getting priorities straight here in my life and in our family.  Ricky's hair will be back in a matter of months, but his body will still be fighting to become better, stronger, and faster. And hopefully his spirit will continue to grow along with it.
   My hair is more than half way down my back. It will take years to get back to that point.  So it will serve as a reminder for a long long time.  A reminder of what my boy has been through and conquered. A reminder of what my [younger kids are] trying to conquer. A reminder of what my family has experienced this year, and that each of them has sacrificed, and that each of them needs support even when things are looking better. And while Ricky is finishing this part of his battle, for me it would serve as a remainder for me to overcome the challenges struggles and weaknesses that I have.  To come off conquerer in my battle. A reminder that I need to be mindful of the fight and not lose motivation and momentum as easily.  I am often scared to commit to things - the same goes with this.  I am nervous right now thinking about everything that would go along with this decision, and the reactions of people - But it is not about anybody else, it is about my boy, it is about my family, and it is about me.  This life is the same. It is about my family - it is about me and each member of my family.
     As stupid as it sounds - it is a way to show my family how much they mean to me. And a way to remind myself daily to change my habits and lead out.
     - Serve my family 1st    (cook, read, play, pray, clean, love)
     - Take care of my body   (run, run, run, eat well)
     - Avoid distractions    (media, shopping, eating, new projects)
     - Continue to read scriptures & uplifting things
     - Continue to write
     - Pray more often, more sincerely, more thoughtfully
     - Live more thoughtfully, more meaningfully, more purposefully

Monday 12-15-2014
     Ricky didn't want to help me shave my head yesterday, but he did. He didn't understand why  though.  So I had him read what I had written in my journal.  He went in the other room to read while I cleaned up the hair mess.  Then he came out after reading it with tears in his eyes and said thank you and that he loved me and gave me a big hug.  It meant the world to me.
    When people ask me about my decision it is still too emotional for me to explain. But when I just say, "Yeah, I did it for Ricky" it doesn't do it justice.  I am an open person  [if you can't tell!] - but somewhat private about tender feelings that I have.  I feel like I'm really wearing my heart on my sleeve with this one though.  So its been kind of hard that way.  But has a lot of meaning to me. Hopefully Ricky as well.

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Back to today, so yes, I have a buzz, and it is cold -- But I also have more blessings than I can possibly handle.  I am so thankful to be on this adventure with these people.  So thankful for the times I hear my kids need something and am aware enough to spend time being next to them.  Since that sunday I've had some treasured moments already.  One of which was getting to climb up in the crazy bunk bed with Hyrum and read him one of my all-time favorite books, "Andrew Henry's Meadow" and have him give me a bracelet made out of colorful wire pipe cleaners.

National Anthem

Ricky was given the opportunity to sing the National Anthem last night at the UVU women's soccer game.  He did a great job!

Why can't you see this!!!!????

     Last month Ricky spent another 9 days in the hospital for an infection in his intestines.  Rick and I were so busy between work and getting kids ready to go back to school, football, soccer, a new puppy, and all of that, that we had to leave Ricky in the hospital alone for most of the time.  It made me feel pretty bad to just ditch him up there for a whole day at a time somedays, but I made the efforts when I could to drive up and visit, even just for a couple of hours.  When sunday came around we got help from my parents and they took the kids so Rick and I could spend the day with Ricky.  We got ready early, got the kids up, and ready-ish, and got there in time for the church meeting in the hospital.  Unfortunately, he wasn't allowed to go with us.
     The meeting was packed.  Filled with families and parents that are going through hard times, but also packed full with the spirit.  Rick and I had our seats and were ready for things to start when a mom and her son came in and stood there searching for a seat.  We got up and stood in the back and motioned for the mom to sit where we had been.  Folding chairs were being brought in, so we didn't stand there very long.  I watch the mom and her little boy make their way to the seats.  The mom looked like she was really young still, in her 20s.  And the little boy looked to be about 7 or 8.  He was blind.  She held his hand and carefully led him along to their seats.  She whispered to him when there was an obstacle he needed to be aware of.  I was staring.  She gently touched him to direct him where he needed to be.  She sat down after she had helped him to reach his seat safely.  I kept staring.  Wondering what her life must be like.  Another late-comer showed up at the door, the young mom leaned over and whispered to her son.  He stood up and moved over to sit on her lap, to make room for the late-comer to join the meeting.  The late-comer found room somewhere else, and eventually the mom again whispered softly to her son, he stood up and carefully made his way to a chair of his own right next to his mother.  And still I stared/watched how she interacted with him.  Needless to say, I was captivated by it all.
     The more I thought about it, the more the spirit was able to teach me about parenting.  There are times when dealing with my kids that I am in complete disbelief about what choices they have made.  In some cases it is simply when cleaning things up.  The kids think it is done, and it is obvious to me that it isn't.  I can even hear myself saying, "Are you serious right now!?  You can't see that!?"  To which my kids give a blank stare, with their mouths partly open.  Which makes me even crazier!  Or when they make an obviously bad choice in how they treat others, or by not fulfilling their responsibilities at home, at school, or in their sports.  There I am, unfailingly there to say, "What the heck!?  Why can't you see what you are doing!? Why don't you see how your choice affects you and the people around you!?" There is never a reply to my insensitive, and somewhat rhetorical questioning. It bothers me that they don't have an answer, but what are they supposed to say?  I've left them no choice, no real answer to give.  I've pointed out their faults already, and if they try to justify it, I'll probably just point out some more.  When I think about it now, I don't blame them for not saying anything.
     In watching that mom during sacrament meeting, I learned a ton!  She didn't limit her son, or knock him for his lack of ability.  She patiently worked with him, explained, and whispered to him.  There weren't any loud corrections (we were in church, but still....).  I'm sure in life there are times where loud corrections are needed to keep a child safe, but for the most part they aren't necessary.  The boy amazed me also.  He was humble, and patient as well.  He didn't yell, "What's going on here!?" "I don't like it here because it's new/different!" or demand, "Tell me what's going on!"  He walked along, and was willingly guided by his mother.  He trusted her, and he listened for her words, and followed.
   I have more experience than my kids do.  Of course I see things differently than they do.  Of course I see some things more clearly, I know better what to look for.  How do I speak to them though?  Do they listen for my words and trust me?  Or do they fear my words?  Do I teach them and guide them with patience? Or react impatiently with frustration?
     This also taught me so much about my Heavenly Father and was an example to me of how he whispers softly and lovingly through the spirit, to guide us through hard or dangerous times.  The blind little boy would have struggled more than necessary to find an open seat to sit in.  But when he hearkened to the whisperings he was just fine.  He also whispers to us how we can help others when we might not see what their need is, or understand why any gesture we make might be helpful.  Like the mom that whispered to her son to make room for the late-comer.  He couldn't see that there weren't many chairs left, he didn't know to make room, but he followed his mother's promptings, and showed kindness without fully understanding why.
    I guess it comes down to the "Big Picture" and who sees more of it.  I might see more of it than my kids, so I can help them along.  And now after watching the young mom I want to change how I do it.  I'm sure she describes things, and explains things, and through that her son can "see" a little better and understand a little more about what is going on around him.  If I take the time to explain and describe, and discuss more, my kids will be able to understand and see a little more how I see it.  Now with my Heavenly Father it is again up to me.  He is trying.  But I am often stubborn and try my own way, because I can't see the end goal He has in mind. But if I try harder to listen to the whisperings and the feelings that gently push in a certain direction, I can learn to follow and trust Him more and more.
    I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and how He is loving and patient with me.  There is greatness in each of us, and He understands that.  He wants us to achieve our greatness.  The experience with this young mom and her son got even more amazing when sacrament meeting was over.  We headed to go back up the stairs to Ricky's room.  I noticed the mom and her son by the piano, so we stopped and watched again.  He was amazing!  He was so talented!  We learned that he had recently been offered a full scholarship to the school for the musically gifted in the area.  It was awesome!!!
   Heavenly Father happily hides amazing things inside each of us.  It's just whether we listen to his whisperings that decides whether we will ever find the treasures or not.  He has the Big Picture.

Diesel the Dog

It's pretty well known that things have been kind of rough around here.  We are doing really well though, or so I like to believe.  We just started the last long stay of the summer for Ricky.  Rick is up at Primary Children's with him for the weekend.  As much as we have been trying to spend time with our kids, it has become apparent that we are lacking somewhere.  Hy our 5 year old has been having a rough time keeping his emotions in check, and it has made us a little concerned for him.  He is honestly the happiest little man around most of the time.  But that has been missing.  Something is missing.  Lots of things are missing.
    Abe and Hy started hatching a top secret plan to get a dog a couple of weeks ago.  When I would ask them about it Hy would tell me they were just talking about the Titanic.  But, he couldn't hold it in for long, and spilled the beans on their plan.  So I started looking around and on KSL.com for what kinds of dogs were even available, and the price of a dog.  I talked Rick into coming with us to go check out a golden retriever.  I grew up with a golden, and that is what my family is used to.  But after visiting this new puppy I was trying to hide from Rick just how much fur was all over me, because I knew that would seal the deal against getting a dog.  So I kept looking.
     I saw that there were Mastiff puppies for sale in our town, and that made me curious about the dog.  So I spent the evening researching Mastiffs.  Their temperaments actually seemed to fit what we need right now.  160lbs of chilled out love for 8 kids to love on.  So I looked for some puppies in the area that I could actually go see.  On the way down to Spanish Fork I actually told my parents, "I'm 70% sure ... no make that 98% sure that I am not buying one of these dogs."  I honestly went down to see how big mastiffs really were.  Bull Mastiffs are a smaller mastiff breed, and that is what we were going to see.  To shorten the story...I left there surprised how much I really liked the dogs.  My mom even liked the dog but was also telling me how we weren't ready to have a puppy.  The timing wasn't right, in fact, the timing is crazy!!!  I told the owners thank you, and went about the rest of my day thinking of how to prepare to get a dog in a couple of months, possibly.
    That evening I got a call from the owner.  He told me that his wife was kind of emotional that day, and kept telling him that we needed to get this dog.  He kind of got choked up too, which nuked me.  He told me it wasn't about the money, but they really felt the timing was right because my kids needed to be loved, and that I have a 5 year old boy that needs attention, that I don't have time to do.  And these are the kind of dogs to get the job done.  I told him I'd talk to Rick.  Again to shorten the story I'll just say it was kind of a long night.

In the morning we had finally come to a decision.  I took Ricky and Hy and my jar of money I had been hiding while I saved up to buy a dog someday, and got a check to cover the rest.  We headed to Spanish Fork and picked up Diesel.  On the way back my mom called. -- Uh-oh! It made me really nervous, because I knew it would be hard to have a dog.  And I knew my mom had been against the idea the day before.  I also know that I am a grown-up and able to make my own decisions.  But I am very aware that my parents are an awesome support system to me and my family.  Many of the decisions I make have an effect on them as well, and as crazy as I might seem, I actually do take those types of things into consideration.  And I dread making the wrong decision, not because I get in trouble from my mom a lot or anything, I just like when she is happy for me and agrees with my crazy ideas-- 

The conversation went like this;

Mom- Hey where are you? 

Me- Uh... we are in Spanish Fork. Visiting one of Ricky's friends before he goes back in today.  (Not a lie, but totally avoiding the truth)

Mom- Oh, that's fun...yadda, yadda, yadda.... So what did you decide to about that puppy we saw yesterday?  

----Oh CRUD!!!!----

Me- ......well, actually... we just picked him up and stopped here on the way home with him.

---Waiting for the disbelief and disapproval---

Mom- Did you really!!??? (with a shocked sound to her voice)

Me- yeeeaahh. yep. I did.

Mom- I was thinking about what you told me about when you were little. When you said you would hug our dog when you were sad, or when things were hard.  And I thought maybe Hyrum and your kids could use having a puppy.  But then I thought (and she got choked up a little) maybe my little girl needs a puppy to hug too.

--by then I was crying--

Mom- He seemed like a really nice puppy. I wish I was going to be here to help you train him.

(It makes me cry just to write this)

The kids were excited when we got home.  Diesel joined right in, and at the same time takes plenty of naps.  :) I tried to think of a different name for the dog that would explain the miracles he represented for our family.  But Staffords like diesels, and it stuck.  Probably should have named him 'Titanic' for Abe and Hy.  The kids had cleaned the house up the night before.  I had told them if there was ever gonna be a chance of getting a dog, it was right now, and the house had to look great.  They rocked it.

     Elisha, one of the previous owners, came by later to bring me the papers for the dog that I had forgotten earlier.  I sat in the kitchen with my new friend.  Telling her more about my world and the miracle this puppy was for us, and how thankful I am for them.  She was so sweet and built me up and told me her feelings on the whole thing. And then gave back the check I had given her that covered more than half of the price.  

    As sweet spiritual moments go in my home...It was cut a little short by my little Till coming in.  He interrupted the conversation.  "Behka's..... Car..... Crash"  Huh!?  

    Again long story shorter, Till was next door at Aunt Behka's. He first shoveled dirt in through the open window of the car.  Then, got in and found some storage unit keys, crammed them in the ignition, and somehow released the emergency brake.  I imagine it as his excited little face popping over the steering wheel as he started to roll slowly down the driveway.  Narrowly missing the mailbox and picking up a little speed.  He luckily aimed a little uphill to avoid heading downhill into two parked cars.  He rolled straight into the front end of a neighbors car that was parked on the other side of the road.  The car hit the front and bounced backwards right into the middle of the road and stopped.  Till climbed out, strolled home and told me about his whole adventure in three words. Behka's Car Crash

     My world is crazy, I have an awesome support group, I know there are guardian angels watching over us, we have miracles happening in our lives daily, things are still hard.  This weeks adventure is hard to sum up in three words.  But this weeks crazy/miracle.... Got a Dog.

Bone Marrow Transplant matching

So a couple of weeks ago we went to the clinic with all of the kiddos to get them tested to see if they would be a match in case Ricky might need a bone marrow transplant.  7 kids getting blood drawn was not the most exciting event I could have come up with, but it was on the to do list, so we got it done.  I personally hate getting my blood drawn.... THE WORST part of pregnancy for me.  It makes me feel sick.  And being the amazingly kind and sensitive person that I am..... ;) I was feeling horrible for the kids.  Yeah..... no I wasn't.  I was bummed for the littles cuz they don't get it.  But for the bigs we made a game out of it.  Whoever was the toughest got to get a KONG CONE from Macey's.  Eli went first....He closed his eyes for a second, and they jumped on him! "Ha! you closed your eyes!!!!" I could tell this was gonna be a tough competition, that I wouldn't have been able to win.  Hy was next, but he panicked and needed to have a break and go say a prayer outside with Grandpa before he was brave enough.  So instead I let the littles go next they both cried of course, but got over it quickly.  And Nana kept them busy while the last 3 kids went.

Abe was next in line, and he was thinking he would win, but had to look away a little.  Radi went next and while he was getting set up I took a look over at Abe who had turned 4 shades of green!  "Dude! Are you ok?" I said and kinda giggled because I know the feeling and that is how I share empathy.  A helper lady ran and hooked him up with juice and cookies.  Dude was living large then, but still had a frogish tint to him.  Radi rocked it! No blinking, no looking away, just stole first place on the toughness scale clear and easy.  Then Danja rocked it as well, and the nurse declared a tie.  Unfortunately, for the kids, after near 3 HOURS trying to get that errand done I wasn't about to take the littles in for ice cream.  So 3 weeks later I still owe them.  

    A week or two later when talking about Bone Marrow transplants Abe said, "Ricky better need one! Cuz I don't want to have given blood for nothing!"  I looked at him in disbelief, then asked, "Did that statement actually just come out of your mouth!?" And went on to explain that some thoughts need to stay in our heads. (Not that I am a shining example of that or anything)

    Fast forward to today.  Rick explained that the match would have to get something like 200 shots in order to donate bone marrow to Ricky.  Then he told me we ended up with 3 matches!  So I was announcing to the kids tonight who the matches were.  I first reminded Abe of his comment, then told him about the 200 shots.  The matches were Till, Hy and.....ABE!!! I told him Ricky had actually said he wanted to have Abe be a match. :) Abe was not thrilled.  He left right after the announcement to go to hang out with cousins, but called me shortly after saying he didn't feel well.  When I arrived to pick him up and take him home, he slowly walked out with that "I'm sick, pity me" look on his face.  So again, in my most kind way, I said, "So are you really sick? Or does the thought of 200 shots make you nervous so you feel sick?"  He looked at me and moaned, then proceeded to 'toss his cookies' in the grass.  Guess that answered my question!

Love this boy, and his froggish color! (No filter!!!!)

    Good news is, we have 3 matches!  We don't know yet if he'll need a transplant, but at least we know who to go to if he does.

I Promise Forever --- Rick

On May 10th of 1997 Maren Legas made me the happiest man alive in two ways: First, she showed up to our wedding ceremony and second, she actually said yes! There are other responses possible to that question you know...

On that day we were officially married and sealed together and then we exchanged rings. On the inside of her ring I had "Rick and Maren 5/10/97" inscribed. I actually had an LOL moment while writing this to think that she would ever be the one to need a reminder of the day we got married. Idiot I am!

As I read what she had inscribed on the inside of my ring I felt excited, ecstatic, and filled with hope. I knew my life would be filled with joy and happiness. It was the first time that my dinosaur-sized brain showed signs of understanding. In that moment I caught my first understanding of Maren's true colors: It simply said "I promise forever".

I promise to love you for who you are. 

I promise to love our children for who they are. 

I promise to remain loyal to you. 

I promise to support you. 

I promise to encourage you.

I promise to fight our battles together.

I promise to give the best years my body has to you and our children while watching you get paid to stay in prime condition as a professional athlete.

I promise to live in a country where humor and laughter are an afterthought.

I promise to accept that your allergies prevent us from having a dog.

I promise to accept you being bishop at the same time you are head coach of a professional youth team and assistant coach of a team that plays in a different country often. Yes I know what that means...all the kids will be with me all of the time.

I promise not to lose faith in you when you tell me you want to become a teacher.

I promise to make it happen financially in our home although we have 8 kids and our only source of income is a State of Utah teacher's paycheck.

I promise to remain optimistic during the time that you work full-time, serve in church callings, coach your own kids and everyone else who wants coaching, and earn your master's degree as well.

I promise to show you how spending money to make memories brings happiness.

I promise when times are tough, I'll be at my best. 

But...

I also promise to tell you when you're not being the husband or father we need.

I promise to tell you to quit whining.

I promise to tell you when it's time to spend time with me.

I promise to teach you that anger is not ok.

I promise that I have the courage to tell you these things.

I promise to stand my ground-with you and anyone else for that matter.

And...

I promise to keep things unpredictable!

I promise that things will be interesting, intriguing, and almost never the same twice in a row.

Why? 

Because this is me. I am one of GOD'S finest daughters. He gave me enough toughness, grit, and will power to conquer all obstacles. Here I am and I LOVE YOU, Rick.

Reading her blogs, you all know Maren has a way with words. Isn't it amazing how she could find a way to make all these promises and explain all that she is simply by inscribing 3 short words? GOD wasn't good when he brought her into my life...he was GREAT.

So in the past I've returned home to find that Maren has collected some rather unexpected things throughout the day. Often it has been chickens; once it was two goats, another time a duck or two. On Friday I returned home to find a Bobcat or mini-excavator running in our side yard, with someone scraping the weeds and grading out the ground in preparation for sprinkler lines and sod. Luckily I'm not going blind yet and from a distance and through the protective cage/roll bars I could see a long, brown pony tail on the driver. I shouted out "Hey Babe!" and the Bobcat rotated towards me.  I could see the deep, deep smile on her face and I could watch the excitement dancing in her eyes. I am always a bit surprised by Maren's abilities and interests and how she seamlessly transitions from activity to activity, but really I shouldn't be. All she is doing is remaining true to her inscription on my wedding band: "I PROMISE FOREVER."   

Just an observation Maren, but I think it's safe to say that you can discount the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." That's too easy for you and you've been there and done that.

Right now life is giving you itty, bitty shriveled up, unripe and nasty lemons and you are still finding a way to make the best lemonade ever. Well actually, Kool-aid and I'm drinking a lot of it.

Watching you thumb your nose at cancer, be a peacemaker when a child has been injured, and teach me about personal principles during processes that defy explanation has been AWESOME!!! You are a force of nature and you can't be stopped. Not that you need it, but you now have my public approval to keep on truckin'. Pedal to the metal. The way you live and how you've loved is the greatest gift our children could ever receive. Thank you.

You are intelligent, full of character and toughness, beautiful, sexy, and as close to perfect as is possible to be. Not just my heart, but all that I am belongs to you. It's been 17 years in the making while watching the master at work, but...

I PROMISE FOREVER.

Running Home

Small disclaimer for those who might read this who don't really know my family.  We do pushups.  Lots of them.  My 5 year old is kind of a 'freak of nature'.  He can easily do over 200 push-ups, I've seen it.  Just to put a little perspective into the story.  

       I got to go home and spend a little time with my other kids this weekend.  It was nice to be down there with them.  It gives me a new perspective on how important hugs are.  It has also put a spotlight on how my priorities and my choices don't always line up.  There are some things I need to work on, for sure.  When I'm sitting in the hospital with Ricky, it is mostly uneventful, and boring and I don't have much to write about.  But when I go back home it seems like there are a ton of awesome adventures to take advantage of, like an 11:30pm walk with my 2 yr old where we can discover the moon and stars and point out every truck we see with total excitement... "KUCK!!!!!"  "Yep, say 'tr, tr , truck.'"  "KUCK!!!!!"  It is truly pretty fun.  I get to give lots of hugs, and hold babies, and get close to nothing done.   (Luckily, a sneaky little fairy cleaned and folded my laundry)
    Along with the adventures come challenges and lessons though.  Times where I question my parenting tactics, and the people observing probably do as well.  I went to Walmart with 5 kids the other day.  I stopped by the bank really quickly before shopping, and while cashing a check Hyrum came up and asked for a quarter.  I was in a good mood, so I said, "I'd happily give you a quarter, if you earn it with 25 push-ups"  with a big smile.  (Feeling gracious because it would usually be 50 push-ups)  Hy thought it was worth it, and popped out 25 good push-ups.  The guy at the bank was impressed and commented on how great it was, and Hy was pretty proud of himself.  I gave him his quarter and he stuck it under his hat for safe keeping until later.  While going through the check out line Hy and the other four kids waited by playing in the little game room.  A minute later Hy came to me as sad as could be.  I thought he had dropped and lost his quarter.  I was almost right.  He had tried to win the CLAW game, and failed.  Just like 97% of all happy unassuming kids that attempt it.

He was bawling.  I gave him a hug and explained that those games are a crock and told him I was sorry he had lost his money by making that choice.  He settled down a little bit, and then said, "now I want 2 quarters!"  To which I said --like any kind parent of a crying child at the checkout of Walmart --  "I'd be more than happy to give you 2 quarters for 50 push-ups"  and reminded him of how proud he had been earlier when he had earned the 1st quarter.  He seemed ok with it, and started doing push-ups, but by the time he got to "4...5" the disappointment of feeling cheated by the CLAW was too much, and he started to cry again.
So I had him go sit on the bench to the side until he could get control of himself...control never came.  Check out was taking awhile, the cashier seemed to agree with my parenting so far.  I sent Hy with the bigger kids out to the car to wait.  By the time I got there he was going full force.  There was a weeping and a gnashing of teeth going on. :)  After loading up the car, I gave Hy his next choice.  'Stop crying and screaming', or 'Get out of my car and walk home'.  He didn't stop crying, so he was removed from the vehicle.  I was aware that it wasn't safe for a 5 year old to walk home 2 miles by himself.  I was also aware that the cart collector guy was watching the whole thing go down, with a grin on his face.  Don't know whether he agreed, or not, it was a confusing grin.  So I asked Danja to hop out and walk with him a little bit while I took the 'littles' home, then I would come back.  I was pretty sure it was going to be a long lesson in parenting, so I dropped off the groceries and kids and headed back.  They had made it much further than I had expected when I got back.  I told Danja she could go, so she and her cousin took off and headed home at a much faster pace than Hy wanted to go.  He thought I was there to pick him up.  I wasn't. I drove on the shoulder of the road next to him.  Hyrum didn't appreciate my efforts and was not afraid to share his opinion of the situation with me.  I talked to him and encouraged him from the car, but would not let him get in, and when he stopped running or walking I kept driving really slowly, and he didn't appreciate that much either.  He yelled at me that I was the "meanest mom", and even got an "I hate you" in there.  I just told him I loved him and kept creeping along in the car.  A woman with a stroller came along and I knew the situation looked sketchy, so I warned her that the 5 year old she was about to pass was mine, and that she didn't need to worry.  When she got to him he fell to the ground and wailed some more.  She called him over and comforted him (I was watching in the mirrors), then he came running up to the car where I was waiting.  "She said she would wait and watch until I got in the car"  I thought, 'that might be a long wait!'  I sent him back to the sidewalk to keep going.  When we turned the corner to cut through a parking lot and he was still crying and rebelling, I stopped and waited for him.  Other passers by were concerned, and I reassured them He was with me, and ok.  I know I'd be concerned about a kid on the side of the road crying, and some weird lady sitting in a car watching him.
  I called him up to the window to have a little chat.  We were almost half way home now.  I asked him to talk though his choices with me, and so we started at the first 25 push-ups.  I asked him how it felt to earn the quarter.  He said, really good.  I asked him how it felt to lose it.  He said, really bad.  We went through all the rest of the choices:  not to earn the quarters again, to cry in the store, to cry in the car, and then to have to walk home.  We decided he wasn't making very good choices.  It kind of went like this;
Hy - But I just want my quarter back
Me - I bet you do! There are a lot of things we wish we could just go back and undo.  That game didn't work how you wanted it to, did it?
Hy - No.
Me - You were feeling really good, and then that happened, and then you felt really bad. But the other choices you made from then on just made you feel bad too, right?
Hy - yea.
Me - yea, we get to make our choices, but we don't always get to choose the results.  But you can choose how you react, and whether you will have a good feeling or not.  Right?
Hy - Yea
Me - So now you have another choice.  You are half way home.  You will walk or run the rest of the way.  But you can do it with a smile on your face and when you get home you can be proud of the fact that you are such an amazing 5 year old and you can walk home that whole way.  Or, you can continue to scream and cry, and have a bad feeling inside, and when you get home you will have to take a nap and won't get to go do anything else today. What do you choose?
Hy - But Mom I just want to say one thing... You say that you love me to death, but then you make me do this.
Me - Yep!  Because you can do this.  And if I just give you everything you want, then you won't be the kind of man you need to be when you grow up.  So, how awesome that you get to learn this now! At 5, instead of 20 or 30!
  I gave him 30 seconds to make a choice about what kind of feeling he wanted to have when he was done.  Then I started to drive slowly again.  He ran next to me, but still wasn't completely sold on the idea.  I kept telling him how amazing he is and that I was proud of him for being able to do hard things.  Within a couple hundred feet he had a smile on his face again.  That confident, chin out, Hyrum smile that I love so much.

 It was still a ways to go, so he got tired and walked at times, but he mostly ran.  Once he got to the top of the hill he cut through the trees to the back of our house, while I drove around.  I parked the car and walked in.  He opened the door when I got there and with a huge smile said, "I BEAT YOU!"
   I gave him a big hug, asked him how he felt ("tired and good"), and told him how proud I was of him.
       People question Heavenly Father's "parenting tactics" all the time.  They wonder why he would let hard things happen if he loves us.  He lets us go through hard things because he knows we can make it.  He knows we are strong enough to make it all the way home, even uphill.
    Obviously, not all of my parenting moments end up this way.  Many times I'm too tired to follow through, or I don't have the time.  As I mentioned earlier I have things to work on, and my priorities and choices are not always aligned.  But I do know times like these are worth making sure that the lesson is learned.
  I look at where I am now, sitting in the PICU at primary children's hospital.  My big kid is going through some really hard times.  He is finally sleeping in the bed next to me.  This isn't what he wants.  But throwing a fit isn't going to change it.  And now that he has chosen to have a good attitude about this journey, he is trying to do that.  He is going on this trip whether he wants to or not. And having a good attitude doesn't make the journey easier, or shorter.  It just means at the end of it you feel good and you're proud of yourself.
   Heavenly Father gives us choices.  We are free to choose most things in our lives.  But sometimes things just happen.  Sometimes cancer happens.  Sometimes way worse things happen.  And we can feel like the freedom of choice was taken away from us.  But it wasn't.  We always have the chance to choose how we will react to a situation.  What we will learn, and what we will take from it.
  I know I'm not always going to be positive about the things going on around me.   Like this.  My son  is literally delirious with a fever right now.  He just woke up and wanted to get out of here.  After answering his questions that didn't make any sense, and calming him down from being so mad at the "watch" on the wall, and the doctors came to try to help, now he is sleeping again.  And I am still sitting here trying to figure out my emotions at 2 in the morning.  I've decided that this is the hard part of the run home, where I want to just sit down and rebel.  I can be mad that I have to "run home", or I can be grateful for a body that is strong enough to carry me there.   I can listen to the spirit when it is there to guide me and keep me safe - kind of like driving next to Hyrum to make sure he wouldn't feel abandoned  I can listen to the spirit when it shares encouragement and love from my Heavenly Father.  Or, I can lag behind and be frustrated with my situation, and get further and further from the spirit that is there to help me.
 Keep running, or lag behind....Those are the choices we have. Daily.