How am I doing???

    Everywhere we go, we tend to run into people we know who are aware of our situation, make that Ricky's situation.  They ask me how Ricky is doing, how I'm doing, how we are all "holding up".  I kind of like the way the later of those is phrased.  It makes me think of a building or some type of a structure, and how it holds up in a storm.  Every now and then we get some pretty good wind storms around here.  And with our house being up on a hill like it is, it seems like we take the brunt of it some times.  We have tattered old cedar shake shingles on the roof, that I expect to blow off every storm... but they don't.  Houses around us have lost shingles and had temporary carports blown away, and fences blown over. But our ugly roof is still there.
    I fixed an ugly old coop for chickens, and built a big pen for them when we first moved back here.  That structure is not going to stand the test of time.  I am actually quite surprised that it hasn't crumpled to the ground yet.  Maybe the staples holding the chicken wire on is what is holding it up???  I came up with my own idea and plan for that pen, and kind of winged it while building it.  The door has fallen apart a couple of times, and it has become the "Leaning Coop of Orem."  Pisa doesn't have much on us!  In my defense, it was the first thing on that large of a scale that I had ever built.  So my knowledge of what materials to use and how to use them has grown a lot since then.  I'm pretty sure I could build a much more sturdy pen and coop now.
   When thinking about how well things stand the test of time, you also have to take into account a solid foundation.  I kind of tried to level the ground where I placed the pen, but it wasn't solid, nor level dirt.  There are gaps under it that we have stuffed rocks and branches into to close.  My impatience and lack of building knowledge are pretty apparent when I look at it.  My kids on the other hand think I am a "building genius."  Radi even told me I was "like an engineer" yesterday, because I was fixing a latch on the car.  Now my home, on the other hand, I look at it and think whoever built it knew a lot more than I did, and I think it is wonderful.  Although people with building experience look at it and think it is a structural mess because of all of the add-ons.  I am more like my kids in many ways.  I am very impressed by things other people can do, especially when I don't have those same talents.  On that same note, my kids fancy themselves professional at something after doing it once... at least Hyrum does.  After 6 months in Germany I said I was a 4 out of 5 on a German fluency scale.  I thought I was pretty smart.  12 years of living in Germany later I would have maybe given myself a 3.5... a 4 on a good day.
    So one month into Leukemia, I feel like a genius in comparison to where I was, and I feel smarter about this topic than most people around me, but I am aware that I have hardly scratched the surface of all the things there are to learn.  I have learned about medications, and learned names that are really hard to pronounce, like desatinib, and amlidopine.  I have also realized that although knowing these things helps Ricky get through this day to day, it is not my knowledge that will eventually cure him.   That is someone else's knowledge, combined with Heavenly Father's will.  I feel like I can help and comfort, but at the same time I feel very helpless.  I don't however feel hopeless.  I am good at hopes and dreams.
   When I am asked how I am doing, I honestly answer that we are doing well.  As well as can be expected, I guess.  And I have really thought I was answering as honestly as I can.  I like to be a happy person, it just works better that way for me.  So sometimes I avoid thinking too much about a situation and all the ups and downs of it, and I just keep going like its normal.  I don't know how else to cope with things.
    This past Sunday the kids were outside, and it was pretty quiet in the house, when Rick asked for a haircut.  I got the clippers out as he sat down with the apron over his shoulders.  As I was cutting his hair I was all of the sudden getting choked up and had to fight back tears.  It kind of baffled me.  Why would cutting Rick's hair bring up so many emotions?  I realized it was because it was "normal."  Just another normal thing that happens at our house.  I miss normal.  I miss things I have control of.  I've given that sweet man haircuts for 17 years, and I know what to do, and what to expect.
    As silly as it may seem I am actually a little territorial when it comes to my families' haircuts.  They might not be the best, but they are free! :) But seriously, there is something about it for me that means a lot.  I have never been a jealous person, but there are two times I can think of when I got a little bothered.  One was when Rick paid for a haircut from someone else because I was out of town.  The other was when we were dating, I was giving him a haircut for the first time, and another girl was trying to take the scissors and clippers to show me how to do it.  I still don't really like that girl. Hahaha  That is the only thing she did wrong.  I probably should've listened, sometimes my haircuts get out of hand.

Matching Fohawk

A way for people to know it is Eli.

Bleaching for Crazy Hair Day

Crazy Hair Day is one of our favorite days

My masterpiece so far

   It has happened a couple of times, that I'm in a normal situation, one that maybe means more to me than I am aware of, and start to get choked up or even start to bawl.  So I honestly "think" I am doing fine.  But, I will admit there seems like there is a pot of emotions bubbling under the surface.  As far as being "structurally sound" enough to weather this storm... I don't know.  I'd like to think that I am strong enough to handle the strongest winds that I will encounter in my life.  But I know that there have already been so many people around me giving me that extra support so that I can stay standing, and do my job and support my kiddos.  I don't know that I am structurally sound enough to handle this storm on my own.  Hopefully, I'll get out of this only losing a few tattered shingles, or gaining a few more grey hairs.
   As I sit here with Ricky in the hospital, every now and then there is an announcement "Code Blue ...." "Code Blue...(followed by instructions of where the emergency is)"  The nurses explained that it is the code for someone is in trouble, and anyone in that area is supposed to go help, often times resuscitate, a child there.  Within a minute or so it is followed by one of two responses, "All clear" which often means false alarm, or "Adequate response" which means something is still going on, but they have enough help.  It isn't a common announcement two in a week would be a lot, but it actually came on twice today.  The first time was "all clear,"  that is when the nurse explained what it was to us.  Now hours later, we just heard another "Code Blue", followed by "adequate response."  Somewhere on the 3rd floor someone is fighting for their life, or others are fighting for them.  Somewhere on the 3rd floor a mom or dad is sitting there helpless watching others do for their child what they can't do themselves.  Somewhere on the 3rd floor someone is panicked, and things are probably moving too fast to understand.   But I hope there is hope.
   I know there are worse things out there, and scarier things as well.  I know there are people who aren't prepared for these kinds of winds.  And there are people who don't have the kind of support we do in those times.  I hope for them that they will be comforted, and strengthened.  I wish everyone could have the strength around them that we have had around us.
    This past week I watched garbage cans get blown over, and papers and bags get blown all over.  I ran around trying to catch and gather neighbors' mail and papers.  I was laughing at how useless my attempts were.  Trying to stop 5 things flying at me at the same time, bobbing and weaving in the wind.  Most things got past me, try as I may have.  I realized it was easier to stomp on things when I got the chance, and concentrate on one thing at a time.  I'll admit, it was actually kind of fun to run around in the wind.
    I like analogies and parables (especially ones about garbage cans)... so here goes.  Garbage cans are easily moved.  They aren't solid and immoveable.  They are filled with garbage and often over flowing!  And they often times stink as well.  They are often left to stand alone, on a slope or curb or gravel road.  So when the strong winds come, they can easily be tipped over.  They aren't on a solid foundation, nor are they fastened down to something solid.   Unless the garbage can is empty, which means there is no reason to bring it out to the curb, eventually it will be taken out to the curb.  If all you have in your life is garbage, once you are full you will probably be left to stand alone. (That's how Satan works) And when the winds come it is likely that you will fall.  Then the garbage in your life just causes a huge mess that you and others have to clean up.  The more garbage, the harder it is to catch it all, and some things have to be stomped on one at a time.  Winds are going to come... period.  If you have filled your life with garbage, you'll probably be out standing alone in the wind with a high chance of tipping.  So don't fill your life with garbage. For that matter, don't let your "neighbors" who are overflowing fill you with their garbage either.  Then when the storms come you will be safe, and surrounded by protection or support.   --get off soap box now--- :)
   As far as my "foundation" goes.  I could have a stronger testimony, I know that.  I could be better at praying...I'm working on that one.  But I do know that my Heavenly Father is aware of how we are doing, and what we need to make sure we are "holding up."  He has sent inspired people into our lives.  Doctors, family, friends, neighbors, even the guy who hooked up cable in our house has done his best to help us out.  I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers, he has already answered thousands in our behalf in the last month.  I know He loves us.  I know it.  So I have the right foundation, that should make a difference.
   I can't tell you how Ricky is REALLY doing, I don't know that he could tell you that either.  I can tell you that I am hopeful.  I am supported and loved. I am surrounded by family, and get to spend a lot of time with my boy.  I am at the same time panicked, but things aren't moving too fast right now. I am choosing to be happy.  I am close to emotions that I don't like to show.  I am at times overwhelmed.  I am realistic that others have much stronger winds trying to blow them over than we do.  In other words, "I'm good."

Some Dreams are Worth Clinging to

    When I was younger I had a lot of different things that I wanted to be when I grew up.  My parents still think it's pretty funny that I used to say "when I grow up to be a man".  I guess it must have looked like more fun to be like my dad and fly airplanes, than to be my mom and cook and sew.  But the one thing I remember 'Dreaming' of was that I wanted to be a "Monkey Trainer!"  I wished for a monkey every chance I got; birthdays, shooting stars, wish bones (that I rarely won anyway), begged Santa for a monkey, prayed for a monkey....for years.  Seriously.  I can even remember when we moved to Nebraska there weren't many big trees, except for around some of the corn fields.  I would take my note pad and pencil, and go sit on the edge of the corn field and watch the trees, so I could study the monkeys and their behavior.  "Journal entry #73... 'No monkeys today.  Maybe tomorrow.'"  The only autograph I remember ever being excited about was Jane Goodall (I might still have it)....I know, right!? Who's that?...look her up, she was my hero.  So every Christmas after being as good as I possibly could, and wishing and praying, I would wake up hoping that this was finally the year that my mom would finally understand how important it was to me, and just how responsible I really was, and that she would get me a "real live monkey."  Sometimes I got my hopes up really high when there was a big box, cuz that would be the cage of course.  Well, every year my mom did get me a monkey, a stuffed Monkey.  I remember thinking, "well, maybe she doesn't think I'm ready for it yet."  But I still truly believed someday.....someday.
     I never got my monkey.  But, Heavenly Father didn't let all those prayers go unanswered.  He sent me 8 kids. 7 of them boys! (some of them are almost as hairy as a real monkey)  I am a Monkey Trainer!!!!!! :)  Yes, my prayers were answered in a way that was a little different and only slightly more socially acceptable.  I'm not trying to be too spiritual about this, but I really think Heavenly Father understood what my true desires were.  I had just wrapped those desires neatly into a monkey shaped package, so that's what I prayed for.

  Now that I have these kiddos, and my life is way more than I could have dreamed up or hoped for myself, I don't wish for a pet monkey anymore.  Nor do I want to "grow up to be a man."  My dreams have now changed into a bit of a Darwinistic dream....  Now I dream about raising and training these 'monkeys' up to be great MEN! (and of course Danja to be an amazingly strong and capable woman)  So I guess I believe in evolution in a way. A way that means my rascally kids can evolve into amazing, kind, productive, and good people.  But my kind of 'evolution' doesn't happen on its own, or by chance...there is totally an element of survival of the fittest though. :)
   In a way I have given up a dream of working with monkeys in a zoo, although that title would apply here often.  But, on the other hand it sure seems like I didn't have to let go of the parts that I was really attached to, like getting cuddles from a big strong baby that loves me, or playing and wrestling around, or teaching them skills and silly tricks.  I still get those parts.  Around here lately we have been confronted head on with what seems to be a loss of some dreams.  Ricky dreamed of playing high school basketball, and other sports.  Rick dreamed of ways to put together a team and coach his son, and was even dreaming of taking him to Germany again to be part of their national youth basketball program.  It has been really hard to lose those dreams.  But now when I try to put it all into words, I don't think that those experiences or opportunities that are lost add up to a loss of a dream.   Ricky's dream isn't just about high school ball, it's about college and professional basketball and more.  It's about having something that people love and admire you for, and being able to be an influence for good and make a difference in people's lives, and provide well for his family.  He just has it packaged neatly in a basketball shaped package.  Rick's dream to coach his boy and teach him the lessons that he has learned is also wrapped in a basketball shaped package.  But I truly believe that dream is more about teaching a young man life lessons and raising him up to be a great man, than it is about basketball.  Basketball is just a vehicle and a stage for those lessons, goals and miracles and victories to happen.
    That is why Heavenly Father is so awesome!  If we have truly righteous desires, he will grant them to us.  It might not be packaged neatly how we hope or expect.  Sometimes it comes in a much better package than could be anticipated.  Ricky's dream is still there it is just that the answer to his prayers came packaged differently than expected.  It is his choice to see it as a lost dream, or as an opportunity to dream greater dreams.  Not to say that basketball is lost forever, but Leukemia is the 'stage' right now.  Cancer is the vehicle for those lessons and miracles that Rick has wanted him to learn and experience.  Ricky has a chance to be loved, admired, an influence for good and make a difference in peoples' lives much sooner than he was expecting.  The lessons he learns now will help build that amazing man Rick and I have always wanted him to be.
   Some dreams are definitely worth clinging to more than others.  I feel myself clinging to my children's dreams now.  I am so thankful though, that Heavenly Father has greater dreams, and amazing ways of making those dreams come true.  I'm excited to see how he can help me fulfill my dream of "when I grow up to [raise] a man."  Hopefully, a beautiful amazing woman, and 7 Strong and wonderful men.
   I had to laugh recently when I was looking through some of the classified ads and there truly was a monkey for sale.  I wished I could just borrow it for a day, to watch the surprise on my mom's face....or even the panic on my husband's face.  Hahaha.  Poor guy wouldn't put it past me.

What's in a name?

Let me tell you about my boy Ricky.  I could tell you about all my awesome kids, but that would surely be a novel....so we are gonna start with this guy, because he seems to be the one occupying a lot of our time and thoughts right now.
   When we went to find out whether we were expecting a boy or a girl, Rick (dad) was pretty nervous.  When we found out it was a boy, he was so excited that he cried!  I didn't even have to worry about a name.  It had been decided long long ago!  Richard Wayne Stafford IV   The 3 men who have carried this name before him are very impressive and wonderful men.  He has big shoes to fill, or at least a big name :).

   Ricky was born in Germany.  Rick was playing for a 2nd division team in Langen, the fans were so excited!  He was also the only baby from our little town born that week, so he was in the news paper as the Baby of the Week!  He was big.  9 lbs 5 oz.  The nurses called him Schmusel Bub ("Shmoozel boob"), which I didn't understand at the time what that meant and wondered why they would call him a "boob" :)  I found out it meant "Cuddly Boy",  because he was so big and sweet and just loved to cuddle with any of the nurses.  My roommate (because in Germany you get to share rooms) was complaining to her mom, something to the effect of, "Her baby just sleeps and eats and doesn't cry. My baby cries.  And then the newspaper came in and took a picture of her and her baby... why is her baby so special?"  I remember laughing to myself about it.  I think she thought I didn't understand any german, which was almost true.  But as if I wasn't already beaming with pride about my boy, that just made me even more so proud.

    His dad started putting a basketball in his hand as soon as he was home.  Saying, "Look at those thumbs!!!"  "wow, he is gonna be amazing!, look at the size of his hands!"  Needless to say, he was pretty excited about him.  I would take him with me to watch practices and he would sit on the floor with me, and I would help him dribble a ball that was bigger than he was.  He was quite the little mascot for the team.  It was really fun.  He even had a little pair of Jordan's, I don't know that Rick ever had a pair of shoes that nice. :)

   When he was one, Rick already had him catching and diving off the desk while catching the balls Rick would throw to him, and land on his face on the pillows.  He spent the day hanging out with me while we tried to find new adventures, tearing apart the kitchen, and playing with his basketball hoop.  He would go to all of the games with us, and actually watched them, with the occasional disappearing  act around the corner.
   When he was 2-3 we lived in Giessen and again he was at every game.  He knew the fans, and loved being allowed to play on the court after the games.  He was always very trusting and friendly and happy.  I got in trouble with the other basketball players' wives because I let him run around at the games and go sit in the fan section where they beat the drums.  Their kids didn't understand why Ricky was allowed to go play and they had to sit still.  Once after a game he had happily followed his new friends out the door, and Rick had to help me find him.  That didn't help my reputation with the other wives much either.  But he was a happy, friendly little kid, so I guess I thought I was doing stuff right.
    He used to sing to himself before he could really talk, and he was pretty good at it.   He had some little dinosaurs that he was playing with once and it looked like he was making them fight.  I asked him, "Are they fighting?"  He replied, "No, die schmusen!"  ('Nope. they are cuddling').  He always had a really sweet side to him.  He loved his little sister when she came along, and would hold her and hug her any chance he got.

   He has always been sweet and kind hearted, but that sometimes goes hand in hand with not being the "bravest".  So he gets teased a little from our family and relatives, because we tend to think it is funny to scare people.  Once when I was hugely pregnant with the twins, I had packed the two kids up in the car, and was ready to go to Rick's game, when I realized I had forgotten the keys inside.  The house was locked and we couldn't go any where, and it was raining.  The only way to possibly get in was a little basement window to our storage room.  There was no way I would fit, so Ricky was the go to guy!  There were some spider webs and kind of scary looking things down by that window.  And try as I may have to speak sweetly to him, he was not having it.  It finally got to the point that was past bribery, threats, promises, and begging.... I grabbed him and stuck him down in the window well and part way through the window.  He was so surprised that he could only get out a, "Wait, no, no.." and he was pretty much through.  Then I remember hearing a relieved little nervous giggle.  He went and opened the door, and let us in.  He was pretty proud of himself then.  So sometimes he has needed a little "prodding" to do things that are scary.
    When we moved to Hirschaid he had a little bike with training wheels.  He was probably about 5 when we decided to try to take off the training wheels.  I asked Rick to help and he got one off before he had to go to practice.  Then he said "He'll be fine, he can just use it as a brace if he starts to fall to the right"  I was totally against it, because I thought it would throw off his balance.  But, I let him practice for a while anyway, and of course he rode in circles in our driveway.  Around, and around and around, with his bum hanging off the right side to lean completely on that one training wheel.  So I took him down the street so he could practice going straight.  He still sat leaning on that one wheel.  It was very frustrating.  I asked a  woman we passed if she possibly had the tools to remove the other one in her garage, and she helped us out.  Now understand in Germany its almost like little kids ride bikes before they walk, so being 5 was pretty old and he seemed like such big kid to me.  So I ran holding him up and he kept sneaking his rear off to the right!  I was about to scream!  Little 2 year olds and their parents were passing us up.  Literally!  Little tiny kids were riding past him, and waving at him.  The competitive side of me was going bonkers.  I don't remember an exact quote, but I'm pretty sure I said, "If you don't knock it off! And just ride it straight, so you won't crash I am going to take your bike and CHUCK IT OVER THE FENCE!!!"  I don't know if that was a shining moment I should share, but unfortunately its true.
     Ricky also always seems to want to play with the big kids.  And now that he could kind of ride a bike, a whole new world of adventure was opened up.  But he didn't know how to use the brakes yet.  We had a steep little hill from our back porch down to the yard and the Big Kids would ride down it and be able to turn before the fence.  It was a small yard, with a little chain linked fence at the back of it.  Ricky asked if he could ride down too like the big kids do.  I said sure and be careful, and threw a helmet on his head and got ready to pack the other kids up for the doctor incase it didn't end up well for him.  He watched a couple of more big kids go, then off he went.  Down the steep little hill, and speeding across the yard, and straight into the fence!  His bike hit the fence and flung him up and hung him up over the top of it.  I watched and waited for the cry.  He hung there for a second while the fence rocked back and forth, then turned around excited that he had made it out unscathed.
   I remember telling that story in sacrament meeting and relating it to Heavenly Father having to sit back and let us live our lives.  He puts a helmet on our head, and says "there you go, be careful." And we are off! Speeding through this adventure wishing we had learned how to use the brakes better first, and hoping the hard things we might get hung up on in life won't hurt too badly.  Thats how I feel about the situation we are in now.  Ricky wanted to play with the big kids... he wanted to be as great as the greatest people to ever walk the earth... he chose a really steep hill so he could get there fast and at the moment we are hung up on a fence that is still rocking back and forth from impact.  The panic feeling is still what is present now, but we are hoping that we can climb down off of this fence as soon as possible and assess our injuries (or hopefully lack there of).  The whole time Heavenly Father is watching, and trying to coach us, saying, "Brake!! Watch out for that fence post!" And he is ready to help us with any injury, or even come pull us off the fence if we need it.  He loves us enough to give us the opportunity to learn, and grow, and have an amazing adventure.  I am so thankful for the opportunity we have to be here, to have adventures, to have hard times and moments of panic.  That's how we learn, and how we grow to become all that we can become.  It's wonderful, and admittedly scary at times.

    Ricky went to his 1st 4 years of school in Germany.  Neither of us parents knew anything about the school system or how it worked, so it was hard to help him with his homework even at a really young age.  He has been a pretty responsible and independent kid for awhile.  He rode his bike to violin lessons and soccer practice, and was expected to help out around the house more than any of the other kids around.  I didn't blame him even then for wanting to just hang out at other people's homes, it was a lot easier.
   So Ricky got to be around his dad's basketball team, which was extra cool!  And he was a great little soccer player, and basketball player for his age.  He got to travel to Austria with a team one time for a tournament.  He got to go with his dad on player scouting trips when Rick was a coach.  Got to travel internationally with us visiting family and going to vacations.  Kind of a cool life.

   He speaks german, and would be the first one in the family to figure out a new dialect when we moved.  He can play the violin, and has always had a knack for figuring out new songs.  He used to draw dream homes with me, and still says some day he wants to be an architect.  But at 15, sports obviously has quite the pull.  It always has with him though... even more than my other kids.   I get to brag here, cuz it's my blog, and my kid, so.....you can stop reading anytime you like. :)
   He is a 6' 1 1/2" 9th grade boy that has a lot of growing left to do.  Literally, and figuratively.  He is a great little basketball player (which I know most mom's think of their kids, but I like to think I am not delusional).  He is a great player, and has two parents sitting there going bonkers because we think he is greater than he thinks he is, and we want him to reach his potential.  So after a long blog, and still so much being left out, that is where we are.  A wonderful young man, who was just about to tap into his greatness.  Ricky has done his name proud.

   I believe he is in the processes now of becoming even greater than Rick or I had in store for him.  And he is bringing us along for the ride, cuz its a long one, and he likes company.  I can't sum my boy up in one post, or even do him justice if I wrote a whole book.  He is such a blessing in my life.  I want great things for him.  Heavenly Father wants even greater things from him.  Right now though, I am content if he is not hurting, and just sitting by me wanting to hold my hand.  It does my heart good. I had been praying, long before this, that I might have a strong relationship with him, that it would be more than him thinking back on me nagging at him all the time, or even wrestling him down and pinning him on the kitchen floor.  I am thankful for this time with him.  I want to share what I can about our family and adventures, without crossing that line where something tender I have shared results in embarrassment.  It's a thin line.   I guess I could just leave it at this....I love my Ricky-boy.

He is just more "Gooder" than we are

It was a pretty slow day on Thursday, the day after his 3rd Chemo treatment.  Ricky slept a lot.  The times he was awake there was usually a trip to the bathroom being sick.  So his blood sugar stayed low and he stayed pretty tired.  His back hurts from the spinal taps, and he has a head ache.  It seems similar to how Rick felt years ago when he got meningitis, except add nausea to it.  My mom came and spent time with Cyrus so I could put Till down for a nap, and try to write my Blog.  It was very helpful.  My house is slowly falling apart at the seams, but its things I have to organize, not really things I can call in help for.  My energy is back, so I am hoping to get more done today.
    So in the past, Rick has been the one to deal with cleaning up after a child has aimed their sickness poorly, or not had enough time to get to the toilet or a bowl.  He has done it because my nose works way too well, and I can hardly stand the smell.  I guess times are a changing around here.... dang it!  But one miracle I can say is that my nose must not be working as well as normal!!!!  Yeah!  It is a weird experience to actually have a happy heart and clean up vomit at the same time.  It is still not my favorite thing, but he is trying his best, so its the least I can do to show him that I have his back.  Poor dude!  This would stink!
    Still being his mom, I have been encouraging/nagging him about doing good things while he is awake.  Like reading something uplifting, or writing in his journal.  He is distracted a lot by friends sending him messages, and spends a lot of time just looking at what they are up to, or watching t.v. shows.  His teacher came yesterday and sat with him while he took a test, he said "thanks" and "bye" while stumbling through the kitchen in a hurry to get back up to his bathroom to be "sick" again.  I talked with his teacher for a little bit before going up to check on him.  By the time I got there he was in bed again.  He looked even more discouraged than he had been earlier.  I asked him if he needed a hug, and he nodded.  So I laid down next to him and tried to hug my baby that is now so much bigger than I am.  He cried a little (but the most I have seen yet) and said, "I just want this to go away, it hurts so bad."  I love that boy so much.
    A little while later I sat down next to him and typed his journal entry for him.  He talked while I typed.  I didn't want to nag him anymore.  His entry was very matter of fact... who visited, who brought him something, what hurts, his blood sugar numbers.  So I started to prod, to get him to see actually how he was feeling and what was going on inside.  Those are his words to share someday, but he did say, "I just want to go to school and learn, I just want to go to practice and work.... I want to be like a normal kid."  Pretty amazing how quickly you stop taking little things for granted.
    We have talked to Ricky about things that might happen, or ways he might be affected in his future by this treatment, and by choices he makes now during his treatment.  There are things that he gets to choose, things that are hard choices for a 15 year old kid.  He has amazed me with his goodness, and innocence when we talk about those things.
     We are aware that there is an amazing amount of stress on us right now, and that Rick and I need to work even harder on our relationship to keep it strong.  Luckily, we started this journey in a really good spot as far as our relationship goes.  We both admit that it just makes us feel better just to spend time in Ricky's room.  But we know we have to spend time with just us as well.  When we have tried in this past week, we are both in kind of a fog and don't say much.  Or we spend time on our phones instead.  Last night we got talking and laughing about how much better of a person Ricky is than either one of us.  I believe it went kind of like this... "I knew he was a good kid, but I didn't realize to what extent."  "No kidding, there is just more good in him naturally than either one of us."  We laughed at that.  "Both of us have to consciously try to not give people the bird or punch 'em in the face"  We were cracking ourselves up.
   We realized that in the same situation a lot of people are panicking and feeling guilty for not doing something right or feeling like they have to hurry and fix things, there is a feeling of "death bed repentance" that they are dealing with, as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough.  This with Ricky seems so different, he doesn't seem to be dealing with anything except chemo and the effect it will have on his future.  He isn't regretting his past.  He isn't changing his stance on things that would be considered acceptable for a kid who is sick.  He is sticking to his guns, and depending on faith and prayer to help him through things that are hard now, and will be hard in the future.  It is really impressive to witness.  I'm not saying my boy has always been perfect, but wow, he is really a good kid.  I am so thankful for his strength to make right choices.
   On that note, I have truly been spoiled with a whole lot of great kids!  They are all naturally good people.  They are kind hearted... that doesn't mean they don't tease each other.  They are giving.....that doesn't mean they don't call "side-shotgun!" and fight over the front seat (we have to sit 3 across on the bench in the front to fit everyone in the car, hence the "Side" in front of the "shotgun").  They are still kids, so they don't especially like chores, but they will do them when reminded sweetly, but more often not so sweetly.  I am spoiled.  And thankful for all of the help the people around me have always given me in raising my children.  Everywhere we have lived, I have always had kind and wonderful neighbors and ward members, or even just people in the community that are helping us out.  It is quite humbling.
   As far as the "consciously not giving people the bird, or punching them in the face" part goes, we truly do like the people around us.  But there are times where you look at a situation and just think, "are you serious!?  what a load of crud!"  Luckily for us, Rick has gone through a lot of schooling lately where he has learned more socially acceptable ways of dealing with people during those unfortunate moments when their inner-idiot seems to shine too brightly. Unfortunately, I have not taken those same classes, and I have an itchy "trigger finger" :)  Sometimes we go home and just tell each other about all of the people we met through out the day, and their shining moments.  It usually has to do with refs, random people in stores, irrational parents at the school and their apples that haven't fallen far from the tree, etc.  For the most part though, we don't take offense too easily.  After having experienced our own "fans" booing us (actually just Rick, but it felt like "us"), and throwing things at him in our last year in Germany, we know that people do stupid things and are misinformed or don't know the whole story, but form strong opinions anyway.  I am guilty of the same thing, in fact, I am guilty of throwing things at the people who were throwing things at my husband.  So now, in our situation, we have actually been surrounded by so much support and understanding, and we are so thankful for it.  But on occasion an inner-idiot slips into a conversation and says something like, "you know there is a better way to help your son" or they come to visit Ricky and then just stand there kind of awkward (those ones crack me up).  Those things don't happen often, and we understand that people truly want to help us, and want the best for us.  But, when they do happen, I must admit my bird finger starts to twitch, and I really want to give some snarky remark about how they must know exactly what it is like.  But I have yet to do it, proud to say.
    I am learning a lot about things I never knew before.  My brain hurts from trying to think about it all.  My heart hurts watching my boy.  I am thankful for all of the love, and know that people are doing their best to get through the day in their own lives, and then on top, going out of their way to help us.  I appreciate any ideas and advice, and I especially appreciate a thought out and thoughtful presentation of those ideas.  Thank you for that.  The only thing I guess we can ask for is understanding as we process all of the new information, and know that even if we don't follow your advice or take you up on an offer of help it doesn't mean it was unappreciated.  We are praying for our boy and doing the best we can to make the best decisions for his recovery.  We are so thankful for the prayers being offered around the world and in many different kinds of faiths on our behalf.

Music Therapy at Primary Childrens

How do I do this????

   Rick took Ricky into the clinic today to get his next round of Chemo.  I stayed home with Cyrus and tried to get myself back to being healthy.  friends took care of my other two littles to give me a bit of a break.  My sister has been offering to take my 3 little ones up to Idaho with her for a little bit.  Which is an amazingly kind offer, but I don't know how to set up a routine and let them be somewhere else.   I have been fighting a battle for awhile now of how to give each of my kids all of the time and attention they need, and still take care of our home, and myself and my sweet husband.  I have prayed to be the kind of mom that they need me to be.  I have changed the way I do things to be here more for them and spend the time with kids who need that special time of "watch me do my homework".  So I have pushed off the offers to take my kids away as much as I can, because I have been needing to figure it out, and probably because of pride.
   I will admit that at the moment the energy of my other kids seems exhausting to me, because so much of my energy is taken up worrying about Ricky.  But I spent the afternoon running errands with Abe and the Twins and Cyrus.  It felt more normal.  Rick called to say they were on their way home, and gave me the update.
  The genetic tests came back positive for what they call the Philadelphia Syndrome.  This is what we didn't want.  As far as I understand, it is a strain of the leukemia found in AML.  It is harder to treat and more often has relapses within 3 years.  So instead of Ricky being home for almost all of his treatment, he will be spending more time in the hospital receiving a more intense treatment directed at the philadelphia strain.  The treatment is more similar to the treatment of the AML, just 2 years, but much more intense. They have found that if they use some of the drugs used to treat AML, that it has proven successful against this Philadelphia strain in ALL.  They are doing a study on it right now and have 2 spots left.  We really want him to be a part of this, and the doctors do as well.  We tried to put in the paperwork for it already, but we have to wait to do more blood work and yada yada yada.  So there is a chance that by the time he can get his paper work put in, the last 2 trial spots would already be taken.  So if you are reading this, and have been wondering what else we need as far as prayers go.... this would be it.  Pray that Ricky gets one of the last two spots.  Pray that he gets the drugs he needs, pray that the doctors will do what is right for him, pray that he will be strong over the next years of fighting this. Pray that my boy will be healed and get the opportunity to BE the amazing man that he is becoming.
    Again my world was turned on its head after hearing this news.  How does Rick go to work, with me being at the hospital with Ricky?  How do I save my boy, and raise 2 babies and 5 other kids?  How does sending my babies away to family affect them, and our family, and the family they are with?  How can I expect so many people to help hold my world together, when I am the one who chose to have such a large family?  It is a bit overwhelming at the moment.  In the car with Rick last night I just started to scream!  But felt like I had to hold it back or I would just lose it.
    We have so much support I actually had to ask the ward to only feed us half as much.  More people keep coming with gifts for Ricky, and love and support for us all.  The kids seem somewhat unfazed and just keep plugging along in their day.
 This morning it was as normal. "Mom! It's Dr. Seuss Day!!!!"  So we had to hurry and find outfits, in between getting Ricky up for his meds, and feeding a baby, and trying to keep a toddler busy.  We were successful though, sending Abe off as the Lorax, Radi as the Onceler, and Eli as a Truffula Tree. :)
I didn't really know how to do this job a week and a half ago.... now I am really lost.  I know we will get through this, but wow!!!!  If you have the time, pray for all my kiddos.  We need it.  I miss my happy posts.
 

Leukemia Diary

Leukemia Diary from a mom's side 3.4.14

March 4, 2014 at 7:48pm

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Today was a reality day.  I'm sure Ricky will be the sweetest man ever to his wife, in the case that she ever has morning sickness.  Thats when things seem worst so far.  Home care and Home School people came around.  Neighbors and family took little kids, shopped for us and fed us.  I am so thankful for the help and will be forever grateful for the people who have helped so much, and we are only a week into this awesome adventure.
   Yesterday was a great day, everything was peaceful, Ricky and I had a great morning hanging out together, and made lots of goals.  It was really nice, actually.  But in the evening I was emotional when I went to bed, and fell asleep on a wet pillow and with a stuffed and runny nose.  Probably not my best moment.  But, while I prayed I really felt loved and supported from above, which made me bawl more. :)
   Morning came with being a little sick myself and having to stay close to the bathroom.  Rick had to work, so he tried to get Ricky going with his meds, but Ricky was sick as well and using the bathroom upstairs. So it wasn't working as well as the day before.  Rick and I were both helping Ricky, and cleaning up after the morning's sickness.  Both babies woke up, and the kids and Rick left for school.  Ricky still hadn't had his meds, I was stuck on the potty, two babies were crying for attention, and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.  I texted Angi next door for help, she started working on things for me but wasn't home to help right then, so I called Lynn Warner.  But I couldn't talk, because when I heard her voice it just made me bawl.  She asked if I needed help.... I struggled to get out a "ya", then she asked if she needed to come get the kids... again I struggled to get out a "ya".  Then I hung up and got myself under control and tried to get cleaned up and go help Ricky.  I put on my brave face, and my robe and left the bathroom to find Rick holding a baby on the bed.  He had come back.  I was so thankful!  I just looked at him, said "you're here!?" started to cry and headed back into the bathroom.
  Lynn came, Rick gave Ricky his morning meds, my mom came... I went upstairs to be with Ricky.  He likes to just have someone there.  So I laid down with my mask on, and just cuddled my boy.  It was probably a pretty pitiful site.  We napped for awhile, until the Home Care nurse came.  Angi had found help with all of the kids, my mom was there helping in my home.  So it was calm again.  My mom went shopping for us, and Ricky and I sat down to watch "Other Side of Heaven" with some oatmeal.
   When my mom got back, and a friend of Ricky's showed up, and then the help from school, I went back to bed.  I guess Ricky did too, and we both have been zonked for awhile.
   Tomorrow we take him back up to the clinic for another round of Chemo.  It is already organized to have things taken care of around here.  I keep expecting there to be a time when things can fall back into a routine, so I can plan things out. But it isn't working that way yet.  It's kind of a day to day game.
    I was given a blessing that I would be healthy and able to attend to Ricky when he needed me.  So feeling yucky myself was not expected.  But I was able to be with him for comfort when he needed it.
   Rick is in a hard spot.  He doesn't want to leave and go to work and deal with other peoples problems.  He is emotional still as well, and sometimes calls to check on us, and we don't do much but cry at each other over the phone.  Me being so emotional last night and this morning for sure didn't help him.
   Today was just a yuck day.  But at the same time, we had so much support, that it made a yuck day possible to bear.  I want to share what is going on around here, because there are some really amazing things.  But at the same time these are our pearls.  So I am a bit conflicted.  I guess I'm writing this to anyone who is reading this, know you are special to us, and that these things are our miracles and hardships.  And I am only sharing them to show our gratitude, to possibly strengthen others, and because we feel so loved from here and from above.
  Hoping for less of a yuck day tomorrow. 

Adventure number #5768?....wait for it.......Leukemia!

So on Feb. 24 2014, we received some life changing news.  Our 15 year old, almost 6'2", amazingly talented, handsome, and sweet boy Ricky was diagnosed with Leukemia.  I'll go back to before this date to cover as much of the story as I can think of.
   Towards the end of January Ricky had dislocated his shoulder in a basketball game.  That injury lead to an MRI that indicated he would need surgery on his labrum in his left shoulder.  That was a bummer.  He was out for the rest of his basketball season and would probably be out for the rest of the summer as well.  It threw a wrench in the plans that Rick had to coach a team for him.  I remember now how frustrating that was to us.  (kind of funny now)  Ricky continued to go to practices and watch and support his team.  He also seemed to be getting more and more tired all the time.  We chalked the laziness and orneriness up to being a growing 15 year old boy.  I can recall many lectures he received about needing to "Man up!" and try harder, and how he was so blessed and talented and so more was going to be expected of him.  It was true, and it still is true, but what we couldn't understand at the time was how hard he was probably already trying.  We would say, "you think you are working hard now, but you don't even understand what hard is yet."  A lot of people beat themselves up for these types of things, and feel guilty that they weren't more in tune with the situation.  I don't feel bad about it.  It is a parent's job to try to get their kid to reach their full potential, no matter what the situation.  I've always known that Ricky is a really good kid, I just didn't understand how good.
     He had been having little bouts with sickness on and off.  Nothing extreme, but never really getting better.  Around the 20th of Feb, we were out in the yard doing some work and Ricky was so lethargic that it was frustrating.  I was talking to Rick about being more patient with him, when I looked and Ricky was curled up laying in the dirt, instead of shoveling it.  Still blaming it on being a lazy 15 year old, I kind of laughed and said, "Good luck" to Rick, who was working with him.  He would shovel 3 times and lay back down.  It was pretty pitiful.  Two days later we were helping a neighbor move, again Ricky was struggling with his energy.  The other men there were encouraging him to "work with a smile."  We didn't work long, and I told Rick then that I thought something was wrong with him, and to take it easy on him because he was trying his best.  That was Saturday, on Sunday we had family over for dinner, Ricky was so pale we actually started looking up symptoms to things like mono, and pneumonia.  Since we had a surgery scheduled for wednesday, we were concerned that he wasn't healthy enough to get it, and Rick had mentioned getting a blood test to see if he had some kind of infection.
   Monday came and I was running errands and driving trailers around like any normal unpredictable day for me.  Ricky called and said his finger was swelling up and that his hand was tingly and going numb.  He said the secretaries at school said it might be a spider bite.  So I went to pick him up and take him in to get checked.  When we got there Dr. Le Bras checked all kinds of things, and didn't seem sure what might be the cause.  I remember thinking, "I don't think he knows what is up with this kid at all".  Because nothing seemed to be standing out, he said, "lets get a blood test to check", which is what I wanted in the first place.  Ricky was not excited about the needles.  He started to pass out in the chair when they drew his blood.    Poor kid doesn't get much sympathy from his mom.

   I took him home to rest and we called his coach and said he wouldn't be at practice.  Then went on with the day.  Blood tests take up to a week to get results back.  So I wasn't expecting anything.  Rick wanted to go get a business license for the basketball program he was starting up, and I was headed to Moroni to pick up another trailer with Angi (our neighbor).  My phone rang, it was Dr. Le Bras.  It had only been 2 hours.  He asked if we could come back in, with my husband, to discuss the results.  I knew it wasn't good, but I never thought of this.  So we headed over.  Rick went in to get the news, incase it was really bad, so that Ricky wouldn't have to hear it from a doctor.  Then Ricky and I went in and Dad told us what it was... Leukemia.  "and there is a bed waiting for you at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake."  We both cried, Rick cried.  But now I would just call it "tearing up" in comparison to the crying that has come since.

  We went home to pack Ricky's bag.  He found a baby to hug.

  Rick called family and had them meet us at the house.  Opa was in town, so ricky was surrounded by his dad, 3 uncles, and both grandfathers and our Bishop and given a priesthood blessing before we left.  He was promised that he would receive the best possible care from the best doctors. He was told that he was greatly loved by his family and by the community around him, and he was told that this is his book and his story to write.  

Tuesday Feb. 25, 2014

   We received the results of his tests, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  The best thing they could hope for, because they know the most about it, and have a very high success rate in their treatments.  They would be doing more tests to further define it.  They check genes on a smaller level that have shown to be harder to treat.  So we are hoping that those come back ok.  Lots of visitors, lots of support.  Hundreds of email and Facebook messages.  Makes me stay up crying because of the kindness of others.

Wednesday through Sunday

  Surgery to put a direct access port into his chest for chemo, spinal tap to check for cancer in the spinal fluid, and bone marrow check as well.  Then Chemo started.  Steroids to help his body fight the  Chemo, results in temporary diabetes.  So then he learned how to check his sugars and give himself insulin shots.  Not his favorite thing, seeing as just Monday he was about to pass out from a blood draw.  There are lots of medications, and things to check.

    I'll try to catch up on all of the wonderfully kind and miraculous things that others have done for us sometime, but now I'm just trying to catch up on Ricky for the last week.

  He came home on Sunday.   

They have told us it will be 6-9 months of pretty aggressive treatment, and then 2-3 years of maintenance treatments.  We are hoping for the best, and quickest recovery for that boy.

   We are honestly grateful for the love that is surrounding us at this time.  We are amazed at the goodness in the world.  Ricky is a total stud.  And this trial in his life will just make him even more so.  I am sad for him, because he is suffering, and at the same time excited for him for the growth it will bring and the ways in which he will be able to touch other people's lives.  What an amazing opportunity! and challenge, all mixed into one.  The first night I looked at him and asked, "so, are you pissed!?" He kind of chuckled at my phrasing of it, then said, "yea, I'm pissed."  A few days later he was in the halls making new friends, and looking for ways to make other people's day a brighter one. He amazes me.  I love that boy.  He is not having fun, but he is growing into an amazing man.