He is just more "Gooder" than we are

It was a pretty slow day on Thursday, the day after his 3rd Chemo treatment.  Ricky slept a lot.  The times he was awake there was usually a trip to the bathroom being sick.  So his blood sugar stayed low and he stayed pretty tired.  His back hurts from the spinal taps, and he has a head ache.  It seems similar to how Rick felt years ago when he got meningitis, except add nausea to it.  My mom came and spent time with Cyrus so I could put Till down for a nap, and try to write my Blog.  It was very helpful.  My house is slowly falling apart at the seams, but its things I have to organize, not really things I can call in help for.  My energy is back, so I am hoping to get more done today.
    So in the past, Rick has been the one to deal with cleaning up after a child has aimed their sickness poorly, or not had enough time to get to the toilet or a bowl.  He has done it because my nose works way too well, and I can hardly stand the smell.  I guess times are a changing around here.... dang it!  But one miracle I can say is that my nose must not be working as well as normal!!!!  Yeah!  It is a weird experience to actually have a happy heart and clean up vomit at the same time.  It is still not my favorite thing, but he is trying his best, so its the least I can do to show him that I have his back.  Poor dude!  This would stink!
    Still being his mom, I have been encouraging/nagging him about doing good things while he is awake.  Like reading something uplifting, or writing in his journal.  He is distracted a lot by friends sending him messages, and spends a lot of time just looking at what they are up to, or watching t.v. shows.  His teacher came yesterday and sat with him while he took a test, he said "thanks" and "bye" while stumbling through the kitchen in a hurry to get back up to his bathroom to be "sick" again.  I talked with his teacher for a little bit before going up to check on him.  By the time I got there he was in bed again.  He looked even more discouraged than he had been earlier.  I asked him if he needed a hug, and he nodded.  So I laid down next to him and tried to hug my baby that is now so much bigger than I am.  He cried a little (but the most I have seen yet) and said, "I just want this to go away, it hurts so bad."  I love that boy so much.
    A little while later I sat down next to him and typed his journal entry for him.  He talked while I typed.  I didn't want to nag him anymore.  His entry was very matter of fact... who visited, who brought him something, what hurts, his blood sugar numbers.  So I started to prod, to get him to see actually how he was feeling and what was going on inside.  Those are his words to share someday, but he did say, "I just want to go to school and learn, I just want to go to practice and work.... I want to be like a normal kid."  Pretty amazing how quickly you stop taking little things for granted.
    We have talked to Ricky about things that might happen, or ways he might be affected in his future by this treatment, and by choices he makes now during his treatment.  There are things that he gets to choose, things that are hard choices for a 15 year old kid.  He has amazed me with his goodness, and innocence when we talk about those things.
     We are aware that there is an amazing amount of stress on us right now, and that Rick and I need to work even harder on our relationship to keep it strong.  Luckily, we started this journey in a really good spot as far as our relationship goes.  We both admit that it just makes us feel better just to spend time in Ricky's room.  But we know we have to spend time with just us as well.  When we have tried in this past week, we are both in kind of a fog and don't say much.  Or we spend time on our phones instead.  Last night we got talking and laughing about how much better of a person Ricky is than either one of us.  I believe it went kind of like this... "I knew he was a good kid, but I didn't realize to what extent."  "No kidding, there is just more good in him naturally than either one of us."  We laughed at that.  "Both of us have to consciously try to not give people the bird or punch 'em in the face"  We were cracking ourselves up.
   We realized that in the same situation a lot of people are panicking and feeling guilty for not doing something right or feeling like they have to hurry and fix things, there is a feeling of "death bed repentance" that they are dealing with, as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough.  This with Ricky seems so different, he doesn't seem to be dealing with anything except chemo and the effect it will have on his future.  He isn't regretting his past.  He isn't changing his stance on things that would be considered acceptable for a kid who is sick.  He is sticking to his guns, and depending on faith and prayer to help him through things that are hard now, and will be hard in the future.  It is really impressive to witness.  I'm not saying my boy has always been perfect, but wow, he is really a good kid.  I am so thankful for his strength to make right choices.
   On that note, I have truly been spoiled with a whole lot of great kids!  They are all naturally good people.  They are kind hearted... that doesn't mean they don't tease each other.  They are giving.....that doesn't mean they don't call "side-shotgun!" and fight over the front seat (we have to sit 3 across on the bench in the front to fit everyone in the car, hence the "Side" in front of the "shotgun").  They are still kids, so they don't especially like chores, but they will do them when reminded sweetly, but more often not so sweetly.  I am spoiled.  And thankful for all of the help the people around me have always given me in raising my children.  Everywhere we have lived, I have always had kind and wonderful neighbors and ward members, or even just people in the community that are helping us out.  It is quite humbling.
   As far as the "consciously not giving people the bird, or punching them in the face" part goes, we truly do like the people around us.  But there are times where you look at a situation and just think, "are you serious!?  what a load of crud!"  Luckily for us, Rick has gone through a lot of schooling lately where he has learned more socially acceptable ways of dealing with people during those unfortunate moments when their inner-idiot seems to shine too brightly. Unfortunately, I have not taken those same classes, and I have an itchy "trigger finger" :)  Sometimes we go home and just tell each other about all of the people we met through out the day, and their shining moments.  It usually has to do with refs, random people in stores, irrational parents at the school and their apples that haven't fallen far from the tree, etc.  For the most part though, we don't take offense too easily.  After having experienced our own "fans" booing us (actually just Rick, but it felt like "us"), and throwing things at him in our last year in Germany, we know that people do stupid things and are misinformed or don't know the whole story, but form strong opinions anyway.  I am guilty of the same thing, in fact, I am guilty of throwing things at the people who were throwing things at my husband.  So now, in our situation, we have actually been surrounded by so much support and understanding, and we are so thankful for it.  But on occasion an inner-idiot slips into a conversation and says something like, "you know there is a better way to help your son" or they come to visit Ricky and then just stand there kind of awkward (those ones crack me up).  Those things don't happen often, and we understand that people truly want to help us, and want the best for us.  But, when they do happen, I must admit my bird finger starts to twitch, and I really want to give some snarky remark about how they must know exactly what it is like.  But I have yet to do it, proud to say.
    I am learning a lot about things I never knew before.  My brain hurts from trying to think about it all.  My heart hurts watching my boy.  I am thankful for all of the love, and know that people are doing their best to get through the day in their own lives, and then on top, going out of their way to help us.  I appreciate any ideas and advice, and I especially appreciate a thought out and thoughtful presentation of those ideas.  Thank you for that.  The only thing I guess we can ask for is understanding as we process all of the new information, and know that even if we don't follow your advice or take you up on an offer of help it doesn't mean it was unappreciated.  We are praying for our boy and doing the best we can to make the best decisions for his recovery.  We are so thankful for the prayers being offered around the world and in many different kinds of faiths on our behalf.