How am I doing???

    Everywhere we go, we tend to run into people we know who are aware of our situation, make that Ricky's situation.  They ask me how Ricky is doing, how I'm doing, how we are all "holding up".  I kind of like the way the later of those is phrased.  It makes me think of a building or some type of a structure, and how it holds up in a storm.  Every now and then we get some pretty good wind storms around here.  And with our house being up on a hill like it is, it seems like we take the brunt of it some times.  We have tattered old cedar shake shingles on the roof, that I expect to blow off every storm... but they don't.  Houses around us have lost shingles and had temporary carports blown away, and fences blown over. But our ugly roof is still there.
    I fixed an ugly old coop for chickens, and built a big pen for them when we first moved back here.  That structure is not going to stand the test of time.  I am actually quite surprised that it hasn't crumpled to the ground yet.  Maybe the staples holding the chicken wire on is what is holding it up???  I came up with my own idea and plan for that pen, and kind of winged it while building it.  The door has fallen apart a couple of times, and it has become the "Leaning Coop of Orem."  Pisa doesn't have much on us!  In my defense, it was the first thing on that large of a scale that I had ever built.  So my knowledge of what materials to use and how to use them has grown a lot since then.  I'm pretty sure I could build a much more sturdy pen and coop now.
   When thinking about how well things stand the test of time, you also have to take into account a solid foundation.  I kind of tried to level the ground where I placed the pen, but it wasn't solid, nor level dirt.  There are gaps under it that we have stuffed rocks and branches into to close.  My impatience and lack of building knowledge are pretty apparent when I look at it.  My kids on the other hand think I am a "building genius."  Radi even told me I was "like an engineer" yesterday, because I was fixing a latch on the car.  Now my home, on the other hand, I look at it and think whoever built it knew a lot more than I did, and I think it is wonderful.  Although people with building experience look at it and think it is a structural mess because of all of the add-ons.  I am more like my kids in many ways.  I am very impressed by things other people can do, especially when I don't have those same talents.  On that same note, my kids fancy themselves professional at something after doing it once... at least Hyrum does.  After 6 months in Germany I said I was a 4 out of 5 on a German fluency scale.  I thought I was pretty smart.  12 years of living in Germany later I would have maybe given myself a 3.5... a 4 on a good day.
    So one month into Leukemia, I feel like a genius in comparison to where I was, and I feel smarter about this topic than most people around me, but I am aware that I have hardly scratched the surface of all the things there are to learn.  I have learned about medications, and learned names that are really hard to pronounce, like desatinib, and amlidopine.  I have also realized that although knowing these things helps Ricky get through this day to day, it is not my knowledge that will eventually cure him.   That is someone else's knowledge, combined with Heavenly Father's will.  I feel like I can help and comfort, but at the same time I feel very helpless.  I don't however feel hopeless.  I am good at hopes and dreams.
   When I am asked how I am doing, I honestly answer that we are doing well.  As well as can be expected, I guess.  And I have really thought I was answering as honestly as I can.  I like to be a happy person, it just works better that way for me.  So sometimes I avoid thinking too much about a situation and all the ups and downs of it, and I just keep going like its normal.  I don't know how else to cope with things.
    This past Sunday the kids were outside, and it was pretty quiet in the house, when Rick asked for a haircut.  I got the clippers out as he sat down with the apron over his shoulders.  As I was cutting his hair I was all of the sudden getting choked up and had to fight back tears.  It kind of baffled me.  Why would cutting Rick's hair bring up so many emotions?  I realized it was because it was "normal."  Just another normal thing that happens at our house.  I miss normal.  I miss things I have control of.  I've given that sweet man haircuts for 17 years, and I know what to do, and what to expect.
    As silly as it may seem I am actually a little territorial when it comes to my families' haircuts.  They might not be the best, but they are free! :) But seriously, there is something about it for me that means a lot.  I have never been a jealous person, but there are two times I can think of when I got a little bothered.  One was when Rick paid for a haircut from someone else because I was out of town.  The other was when we were dating, I was giving him a haircut for the first time, and another girl was trying to take the scissors and clippers to show me how to do it.  I still don't really like that girl. Hahaha  That is the only thing she did wrong.  I probably should've listened, sometimes my haircuts get out of hand.

Matching Fohawk

A way for people to know it is Eli.

Bleaching for Crazy Hair Day

Crazy Hair Day is one of our favorite days

My masterpiece so far

   It has happened a couple of times, that I'm in a normal situation, one that maybe means more to me than I am aware of, and start to get choked up or even start to bawl.  So I honestly "think" I am doing fine.  But, I will admit there seems like there is a pot of emotions bubbling under the surface.  As far as being "structurally sound" enough to weather this storm... I don't know.  I'd like to think that I am strong enough to handle the strongest winds that I will encounter in my life.  But I know that there have already been so many people around me giving me that extra support so that I can stay standing, and do my job and support my kiddos.  I don't know that I am structurally sound enough to handle this storm on my own.  Hopefully, I'll get out of this only losing a few tattered shingles, or gaining a few more grey hairs.
   As I sit here with Ricky in the hospital, every now and then there is an announcement "Code Blue ...." "Code Blue...(followed by instructions of where the emergency is)"  The nurses explained that it is the code for someone is in trouble, and anyone in that area is supposed to go help, often times resuscitate, a child there.  Within a minute or so it is followed by one of two responses, "All clear" which often means false alarm, or "Adequate response" which means something is still going on, but they have enough help.  It isn't a common announcement two in a week would be a lot, but it actually came on twice today.  The first time was "all clear,"  that is when the nurse explained what it was to us.  Now hours later, we just heard another "Code Blue", followed by "adequate response."  Somewhere on the 3rd floor someone is fighting for their life, or others are fighting for them.  Somewhere on the 3rd floor a mom or dad is sitting there helpless watching others do for their child what they can't do themselves.  Somewhere on the 3rd floor someone is panicked, and things are probably moving too fast to understand.   But I hope there is hope.
   I know there are worse things out there, and scarier things as well.  I know there are people who aren't prepared for these kinds of winds.  And there are people who don't have the kind of support we do in those times.  I hope for them that they will be comforted, and strengthened.  I wish everyone could have the strength around them that we have had around us.
    This past week I watched garbage cans get blown over, and papers and bags get blown all over.  I ran around trying to catch and gather neighbors' mail and papers.  I was laughing at how useless my attempts were.  Trying to stop 5 things flying at me at the same time, bobbing and weaving in the wind.  Most things got past me, try as I may have.  I realized it was easier to stomp on things when I got the chance, and concentrate on one thing at a time.  I'll admit, it was actually kind of fun to run around in the wind.
    I like analogies and parables (especially ones about garbage cans)... so here goes.  Garbage cans are easily moved.  They aren't solid and immoveable.  They are filled with garbage and often over flowing!  And they often times stink as well.  They are often left to stand alone, on a slope or curb or gravel road.  So when the strong winds come, they can easily be tipped over.  They aren't on a solid foundation, nor are they fastened down to something solid.   Unless the garbage can is empty, which means there is no reason to bring it out to the curb, eventually it will be taken out to the curb.  If all you have in your life is garbage, once you are full you will probably be left to stand alone. (That's how Satan works) And when the winds come it is likely that you will fall.  Then the garbage in your life just causes a huge mess that you and others have to clean up.  The more garbage, the harder it is to catch it all, and some things have to be stomped on one at a time.  Winds are going to come... period.  If you have filled your life with garbage, you'll probably be out standing alone in the wind with a high chance of tipping.  So don't fill your life with garbage. For that matter, don't let your "neighbors" who are overflowing fill you with their garbage either.  Then when the storms come you will be safe, and surrounded by protection or support.   --get off soap box now--- :)
   As far as my "foundation" goes.  I could have a stronger testimony, I know that.  I could be better at praying...I'm working on that one.  But I do know that my Heavenly Father is aware of how we are doing, and what we need to make sure we are "holding up."  He has sent inspired people into our lives.  Doctors, family, friends, neighbors, even the guy who hooked up cable in our house has done his best to help us out.  I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers, he has already answered thousands in our behalf in the last month.  I know He loves us.  I know it.  So I have the right foundation, that should make a difference.
   I can't tell you how Ricky is REALLY doing, I don't know that he could tell you that either.  I can tell you that I am hopeful.  I am supported and loved. I am surrounded by family, and get to spend a lot of time with my boy.  I am at the same time panicked, but things aren't moving too fast right now. I am choosing to be happy.  I am close to emotions that I don't like to show.  I am at times overwhelmed.  I am realistic that others have much stronger winds trying to blow them over than we do.  In other words, "I'm good."